UK censorship guide: Season 16

ACT 2
Kent Brockman interviews Chief Wiggum

Wiggum: I've got to medicate Ralphie with stuff from the Evidence Locker.
(Wiggum gives Ralph a pill. Ralph's pupils dilate.)
Ralph: I'm cuckoo for contraband!

ACT 1
Marge finds Homer's Playdude magazines

Homer: Why would I dream about other naked women? I couldn't even know how they would try and improve me.
(Cut to Bedroom. Marge is cutting naked women out of the Playdudes. She is currently cutting around a woman)
Marge: (pretending to be woman in the magazine) I don't have any clothes so I'll just splay myself out on a pool table.

ACT 1
Bart & Milhouse read the Playdude magazines

Bart: I could make my treehouse look like this. Then we could have orgies, whatever they are.

ACT 3
James Caan meets his demise

Caan: Oh, a toll-booth. I hate these things.
(Caan hands a ticket to the man behind the toll-booth, the man drops to the floor as Hicks jump out from behind the toll-booth. Brandine leaps out the truck. The hicks begin to fire at Caan. Caan tries to make his way out of his car, taking several "bullets" to his body on the way out, when he gets out the door of his car, he is confronted with a hick standing in front of him. The hick blasts him in the chest as "blood" marks appear on his chest. Caan becomes weak and falls to the ground. One hick continues shooting Caan, as more "blood" marks appear in his body. The hick then kicks Caan in the face. The hicks then leave.)
Caan: That's it, next time, I fly.
(Cut to credits.)

ACT 2
In the Springfield Press Club

Lisa: (gasp) There's Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw hanging out with Kent Brockman.
Rather: You want your mike back, local Anchor?
Kent: This just in: I'm pissed off!
Chloe: Hi, fellas.
Rather: Chloe, wanna feel my muscle? Heh heh.
(Cut to Homer and Marge's bedroom.)

ACT 3
At the Gilded Truffle

(The family are having dinner.)
Lisa: Dad, would you like some of my or Bart's cheesecake?
Mr. Burns: No, I feel full enough as it is.
Homer's Head: I'll tell you when we're full. You don't want to piss off a man who can kick you in the crotch from the inside.
(Homer's head begins eating it.)

ACT 1
Willy falls down the stairs

Willy: What are ya staring at, ya bastards?

ACT 2
Intervention!

Krusty: I'm telling you Bart, one vice leads to another. Then you end up like me, so jaded the only thing that gets you off is freebasing ground up moon rocks. (He lights up a bong-like object and takes a drag.) All this does is get me to normal. (He groans.)
Bart: Thank you Krusty, once again you've delivered and important message wrapped in entertainment.

We're not currently certain which parts of this scene are cut. If you know, please email me. Thanks.

ACT 2
Bart & Milhouse use Bart's computer

(Bart and Milhouse are watching "Sexy Slumber Party" on their computer. Katya, the brunette, is on Vicky's, the blonde, lap, as Vicky spanks Katya with a framed photo of Todd.)
Katya: Spank me again with little boy's picture.
(Bart and Milhouse laugh, as Homer walks in.)
Homer: What are you two laughing at?

ACT 2
During Father Sean's story

Saint Peter: Shawn, you wanker, repent of your wicked ways or sod off.

ACT 2
Homer's confessional

Homer: Okay, let's make some magic here... I rubbed a booger on your shirt, I made a dog and a cat kiss, I swiped a portable TV from a Holiday Inn...
(time lapse)
Homer: I coveted the wife in Jaws 2, I lied to a waiter, I masturbated 8 billion times and I have no plans to stop masturbating in the future.