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Weekend At Burnsies script

After being attacked by crows, Homer gets addicted to medical marijuana.

Episode DABF11, Season 13
First aired Apr 07, 2002
Written by Jon Vitti
Directed by Michael Marcantel

ACT ONE

The Simpsons eat dinner in the kitchen. Marge calls everyone's attention.

MARGE
Alright family! Who can guess what's different about dinner tonight?

HOMER
(looks at food) Eh, same old garbage!

The rest of the family laugh.

BART
This guy's always on!

MARGE
Oh, you two! We're eating genetically modified vegetables. Look how big they are!

HOMER
(picking up corn) This corn doesn't look so big.

MARGE
That's baby corn.

HOMER
(shocked) Wha-aat!?

LISA
American corporations should stop playing God with nature.

MARGE
There's nothing to be afraid of. They're all grown by the vegetable division of Union Carbide

LISA
Mom, my potato is eating a carrot! (her potato seems to be alive, and chomping on a carrot)

MARGE
That's it, from now on I'm growing all our vegetables myself.

Out in the garden, Marge plants some seeds. As she walks away, crows swoop down on the vegetable patch. Marge swings the hoe at them.

MARGE
Go away, go away!

Later, Marge pushes a wooden cross into the patch.

LISA
What you doin', Mom?

MARGE
I've tried heckling them, I've tried jeckling them, it's time I made myself a scarecrow.

Marge takes clothes out of a box, laying them on the floor in the shape of a body. Captions featuring Comic Book Guy pop up on screen for each item: 'Lisa's jersey from "Lisa on Ice"', 'Bart's jockey pants from "Saddlesore Galactica"', 'Jack-o-lantern from "Treehouse of Horror III, IX, XII"', and 'Grampa's Hat from "Who Shot Grampa's Hat?"'. Marge goes outside and sees something is on the vegetable patch again. She picks up the broom.

MARGE
Go away, go away!

It turns out the Flanders are praying in front of the cross stuck in the patch. Marge waves the broom at them.

NED
God, the father almighty, creator of Heaven and Earth...

MARGE
Shoo, shoo!

NED
Ahh! (They run off, but come back when Marge has gone.) Heaven and Earth... where were we? Now I'm lost...

The crows are on the patch again. Marge has put all the clothes on the scarecrow, except for the hat. When she puts it on, the crows notice and fly off, scared.

MARGE
Yeah I did it! Marge is in the house! Or I will be soon, 'cause it needs some cleaning!

That night, Homer returns from work, and sees the shadow of the scarecrow from the front lawn.

HOMER
Aah! Aah! (runs off) I'll regroup at Red Lobster...

Sometime later, Homer returns, armed with a baseball bat. He sneaks up on the scarecrow and batters it.

HOMER
You ain't pretty no more...

The crows fly back, landing on Homer's arms.

HOMER
Ah, look, I've made some friends. Now go do my bidding! Uh, whatever it may be.

The crows fly off and return with a bag of potato chips, a mug of beer, a sandwich and a copy of Playdude. Next, Homer is at Moe's, surrounded by crows. Moe and the other bar flies look a little nervous.

HOMER
So Lisa says by killing their enemy I became the alpha crow.

MOE
I gotta admit, I'm kinda nervous here. We haven't seen Barney since they enveloped him.

HOMER
I'm sure he'll turn up. Look here's one of his buttons (holds up a button, dripping with blood)

MOE
Alright, that's it, get 'em outa here! This ain't no crow-bar. (reaching under the bar) This is a crow-bar. (pulls out a picture with crows in a bar) See? They got the little stools... and everything?

Back at home, Homer and Marge are in bed. Homer points out all the crows to Marge.

HOMER
That's Russel Crowe, Cameron Crow, Crow Diddly, Jim Crow-nan, Gregory Peck...

A crow flies out of Marge's hair.

MARGE
Hmm... Homer, I'm very uncomfortable about having a gang of crows in our bedroom.

HOMER
It's a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder.

MARGE
I'm sleeping on the couch.

She leaves. The next day, Homer relaxes in the hammock. A crow bites off a bit of his donut and tries to feed it to him, but makes him choke.

HOMER
Drop it in, don't cram it in! Oh forget it, I'll do it myself. (looks up to Maggie's bedroom window) Ah, look, Maggie wants to fly too! (the crows fly into the room and pick her up) Hey, cut it out! Put her down!

Maggie slips out of her clothes. She pulls off her diaper and uses it as a parachute. Homer catches her.

HOMER
Oh, thank God you're okay! (puts her down and turns to the crows) Okay, that was not cool! We need to lay down some ground rules. (the crows squawk) We'll get to that, right now I think we need some time apart. (crows squawk more) Alright that's it! (picks up broom) Shoo you stupid crows! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

The crows get angry and attack him. Homer screams.

HOMER
That is not a worm! (screams some more)

 

ACT TWO

At the hospital, Dr. Hibbert stitches Homer's eyes.

HOMER
Ow, ow! I hate getting stitches in my eyes! Stupid crows.

DR. HIBBERT
Don't feel bad for the crows, Homer. They weren't trying to blind you, they were just trying to drink your sweet, sweet eye juices.

HOMER
(calmly) Hmm, fascinating. Say, Doctor, can you do something about my (hysterical) SEARING PAIN!?

DR. HIBBERT
Well, there is medication, although it is a little... controversial.

HOMER
Does it go in the butt?

DR. HIBBERT
I'm talking about medicinal marijuana. Prescription pot. Texas THC.

HOMER
Look man, I don't do drugs.

DR. HIBBERT
Homer, for your eyes, the best tonic is chronic. You're not afraid, are you?

HOMER
I had a bad experience with drugs. It was that golden weekend between summer school and regular school.

We flashback to a playing field at a school. Lenny and Carl (complete with afros) are smoking weed.

LENNY
Hey Homer, wanna smoke some marijuana?

CARL
They say it's a gateway drug.

Homer takes the joint and is about to smoke it, when they hear Chief Wiggum.

WIGGUM
Well, well, if it isn't the doobie brothers.

LENNY
Uh-oh. (quietly to Homer) Crotch the weed, man.

Homer does so. Wiggum approaches with a dog.

WIGGUM
Smell any drugs, Sergeant Scraps?

The dog smells the weed in Homer's pants, grabs him by his crotch, and swings him back and forth. We return to the present.

HOMER
For me, the sixties ended that day in 1978.

DR. HIBBERT
But Homer, you can't let a single bad experience scare you away from drugs.

HOMER
But isn't marijuana, or "dope", illegal?

DR. HIBBERT
Only for those who enjoy it. Medical use of marijuana is legal in this state. We'll also provide you with a prescription bong. (chuckling) Do you want the wizard, or the skull?

Homer returns home and opens his starter pack.

HOMER
Okay, lets see... (reads container) "Toke as needed. Caution: objects may appear more edible than they actually are."

Homer lights the joint and starts to smoke it. A few moments later, we see that smoke has filled the hallway. Marge and the kids are in the living room.

MARGE
(noticing the smoke) What's that billowing down the stairs? (gasp) It's smoke!

LISA
(sniffing the air) It smells like the art teacher's office.

We hear Homer singing a Deep Purple song from the bedroom.

HOMER
Smoke on the water! Da da da, da da da-da...

MARGE
Uh-oh.

She rushes upstairs and the kids follow her. While Homer keeps singing, Marge tries to open the door.

HOMER
They burned down the gambling house,
It died with an awful sound.
I am hungry for a candy bar,
I think I'll eat a Mounds."

Marge has no luck opening the door, so Bart steps in with his trusty credit card and picks the lock. They all gasp when they see Homer smoking.

MARGE
Homer, you're doing drugs! (swipes the joint, then gasps) Now I'm guilty of possession. I could go to prison! Unless I testify against you!

HOMER
Marge, it's making my eyes better. And it's legal. I could walk up to the President and blow smoke in his stupid monkey face, and he'd just have to sit there groovin' on it!

The next morning, Homer gets up, high again. To the tune of "Wear You Love Like Heaven" by Donovan, he picks up his shaver and it smiles at him. He shaves, and rainbows spurt out from his face. As he gets into his car it winks at him, then he flies off into the distance against a brightly-coloured skyline. Back at home, Marge receives a phone call. It's Homer.

MARGE
Hello?

HOMER
Marge, I just realized, I am the "ow", in the word "now". And if you tell anyone...

MARGE
Honey, I like it when you call, but we just talked five minutes ago. (phone beeps) Hang on, I've got call waiting. Hello?

HOMER
Hey, it's me. I got Marge on the other line and she is totally bumming me out.

Marge groans. Later, Homer is in Lisa's room, listening to her playing her saxophone. He chuckles. Bart enters.

BART
Dad, I thought you didn't like her saxophone.

HOMER
I didn't, but now, Daddy's special medicine... (menacingly) which you must never use, because it will ruin you life! (calmly) ... lets Daddy see and hear magical things that you will never experience... (menacingly) ever!

LISA
Dad, it's 1 a.m. and I'm out of saliva.

HOMER
Shh! Shh! Shh!

He gives her some money, and Lisa drops it in her saxophone case, which is already overloaded with notes. Lisa continues playing.

HOMER
(thinking) Wow, that saxophone would make a great pipe.

Ned Flanders turns up on the Simpsons' doorstep. Homer opens the door.

NED
Hi-diddly-hey, Homer!

HOMER
Oh my God, this dude does the best Flanders. You got the moustache, and the "diddly"... okay, now do Wiggum.

NED
(chuckling) Homer, it me, Ned.

HOMER
Oh right, the God dude. Hey, I got a question for you. (pulls out a piece of paper) "Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it?"

NED
Well sir, of course, he could, but then again... wow, as melon-scratchers go that's a honey-doodle.

HOMER
Now you know what I've been going through.

NED
Well luckily I've got a book right here that's jam-packed with answers.

He pulls out a Bible and gives it to Homer, who leafs through it.

HOMER
Oh man, this is long. Could you read it to me?

NED
(excited gasp) I guess that could be arranged.

Some time later, Flanders finishes...

NED
The grace of the lord Jesus be with God's people. The end.

HOMER
Whoa. Whoa. God does so much for me and he doesn't ask anything in return.

NED
Well I know he's wishing you to sign this petition... to re-criminalize medicinal marijuana.

HOMER
(signs it) Done and done. Now do Wiggum!

NED
Well okay, I guess it would go something like this... (Wiggum's voice) Alright Simpson, you're under arrest, see?

HOMER
I said Wiggum!

At the power plant. In his office, Burns reads his speech aloud to Smithers.

BURNS
And so, potential investors, I hope you'll think our I.P.O. is an I.P.U. (chuckles) Then I hold my nose thusly. (holds nose) What do you think Smithers?

SMITHERS
A bit of a downer, sir.

BURNS
Well I hope the investors like it. I have to raise sixty million dollars or we're out of business.

SMITHERS
Why is that, sir?

BURNS
I told you, I pissed it away! Oh don't make that face. (looks at Smithers) Yes, that's the one. Smithers, I need someone that laughs at all my jokes. You know, honest feedback.

Homer walks into Burns' office (still high).

HOMER
Whoops, I though this was the can, man. (laughs)

BURNS
Well, you're a happy Homer. What's your name, young man?

HOMER
You just said it! (laughs again)

BURNS
(walks over to him) Well if you liked that, listen to this. Working hard, or hardly working? (Homer laughs harder) Smithers, you could learn a thing of two from this bray moron. (chuckles) Young man, I'm making you my Executive Vice President.

SMITHERS
Sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me.

BURNS
Oh Smithers, I would have said anything to get your stem cells. (to Homer) Now, welcome aboard.

HOMER
(touches Burns face) You're covered with a very fine fuzz.

Homer returns home in a company car. As he walks to the front door, he chuckles.

HOMER
Hehehe, hardly working...

He opens the front door. Marge is waiting for him.

MARGE
Where did you get that suit.

HOMER
Whoa! One question at a time! (points to Marge) Yes, you?

MARGE
Look, I'm really starting to worry, there's half-eaten cupcakes everywhere, we're all out of paper clips, and the curtains smell like doob.

HOMER
Yeah? Well I got news for you. I just got promoted and it's all thanks to "yes I cann-abis". (walks off screen) We have a kitchen?!

That night, Marge turns over in bed to find Homer not there. She hears a TV on somewhere.

TV
(woman's voice) Oh, now where are those three chandeliers hangers I hired? (smashing sound) (man's voice) You mutton-heads, this is why we can never hold down a job.

The noise is coming from the attic. Homer and Otto are watching this show, laughing.

HOMER
Look at shemp! He is so high!

OTTO
(chuckling) Hey, "shemp" is "hemp" spelled backwards!

HOMER
And "Otto" is "Otto" backwards! (laughs)

OTTO
Now I'm scared.

MARGE
Homie, I don't mean to nag, but what does this have to do with healing your eyes?

HOMER
As soon as I graduate I am so outa here!

The news comes on TV, hosted by Kent Brockman.

KENT
This just in, the marijuana re-criminalization initiative took another step forward today, as supporters collected the final signatures required to place it on the ballot for next Tuesday's election.

HOMER
We gotta get out and stop that initiative! Marge, I'm gonna need ten thousand veggie burritos.

OTTO
No guac' in mine.

MARGE
Good night, Homer. (leaves)

OTTO
Dude, your Mom is hot!

A protest rally is being held. The band Phish appear and play the first couple of lines from "Run Like An Antelope". They suddenly stop for something.

SINGER
Okay, okay, hold on, hold on. (sniffing the air) I smell marijuana smoke. That better be medicinal.

PIANIST
If Phish don't see a prescription slip, we are outa here!

DRUMMER
We can wait all night, people.

Hans Moleman (wearing a psychedelic T-shirt) holds up his prescription slip.

DRUMMER
Here we go. (reads it) Whoa. This guy is seriously ill.

HANS MOLEMAN
My doctor never told me that. I had to hear it from Phish.

SINGER
A-one, a-two, a-you know what to do.

They continue with their song. A little while later, they incorporate the Simpsons theme tune into their set.

PIANIST
Thank you! And now, a man who's a real po-thead... I'm sorry, pot-head... Homer Simpson!

HOMER
Good afternoon. I wanna thank you all for coming down here, taking time off from your jobs... (crowd all mutter "Jobs?") Cause we need to keep medical marijuana legal! (crowd cheer) Whether you suffer from glaucoma, or you just rented The Matrix, medical marijuana can make things fabulous! ...medically. (crowd cheer) So my mellow fellow citizens, when you go into that voting booth on Tuesday the 7th...

GUITARIST
Uh, Homer... that was yesterday.

Homer goes to a newspaper-dispenser and buys a newspaper.

HOMER
Oh man, they already voted! And we lost! (crowd groan) Oh man I can't believe we spaced on the date!

OTTO
Well, what are we gonna do?

HOMER
Well we can't just stand here staring at our hands. Although... (looks at hands) Wow!

OTTO
(sees ring on finger) Whoa! Oh, that's right, I married that chick.

Everyone leaves. That night, Homer and Otto are still on the stage.

OTTO
They call 'em fingers, but I never see them 'fing'. Oh, there they go.

 

ACT THREE

The police burn off remaining marijuana.

WIGGUM
There we go, dump all that medical marijuana on there.

Lou and Eddie do so, and the crowd inhale the smoke.

WIGGUM
Actually, that smoke is a little too inviting. Uh, throw on that sack of barber hair.

They do so, and the crowd cough and splutter. Homer watches from his living room window.

HOMER
Oh, I could have smoked that pot... and worn that hair.

MARGE
Homer, you don't need drugs anymore, your eyes are all better.

HOMER
Eyes? What the Hell are you talking about?

LISA
I want my old Dad back, the one who was yelling all the time and... you know, I'm not really sure what I want.

MARGE
Homer, it's over. I want you to look at your children and promise them you will never do drugs again.

HOMER
Alright, I'll do it for my kids.

BART
As long as you're doing things for me, would you tie up your bath robe when you walk around the house?

HOMER
Never!

In the attic, Homer packs away all his pot-related stuff (bongs etc.)

OTTO
I can still crash here, right?

HOMER
Get out.

OTTO
Hey, remember when I dropped my keys and you thought the phone was ringing?

HOMER
Oh yeah... (chuckling) Get out.

At Moe's. Homer sighs.

MOE
What's the matter, Homer? You're like drunk, but you're not sloppy-drunk.

HOMER
Going cold turkey isn't as delicious a it sounds.

MOE
I'm really glad you're off the wacky tobaccy.

LENNY
Yeah, you were getting all spacey and everything. We were going to have an intervention.

CARL
Yeah, but at the planning party, I got alcohol poisoning. I nearly died!

They laugh.

MOE
I was already making excuses not to go to your funeral.

They laugh again. Back at home, the family eat dinner.

HOMER
It's been three days and my mind is clearer. My sperm count is up, and I'm able to recognize simple shape and patterns.

LISA
Dad, you just said that three minutes ago.

HOMER
Unregardless, I will no longer be a slave to this. (pulls out a joint)

MARGE
Why are you keeping that thing?

HOMER
As a reminder, Marge.

The joint says "Dentist -Tuesday" on the side. The phone rings and Homer answers. It's Burns.

HOMER
Hello?

BURNS
A-hoy hoy, executive V.P. I'm putting the final touches on my speech to the investors, and I need your generous guffaws.

HOMER
But I can't find you funny anymore.

BURNS
I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs! Now we're ordering out, what do you want in your pizza pie? ... Extra cheese?! What do you take me for? Lorenzo DeMerichee?! See you soon.

Homer is about to leave.

MARGE
Don't worry Homie, you don't need Mary-Jane to laugh at Mr. Burns' jokes. Just... picture him naked! (Homer screams) Or... uh, um, with a funny hat on!

Homer screams louder and falls to the floor. Later he is Burns' mansion.

BURNS
So, profits will be as thinner than... (chuckling) Louise Brooks negligee!

Homer and Smithers have big grins on their faces, but neither laugh.

BURNS
You know, Louise Brooks, the silent star of Lulu?

SMITHERS
(whispering to Homer) One of us has gotta start laughing. If Mr. Burns gets flop sweat he'll die of dehydration.

Burns gets a drop of sweat on his forehead and starts to feel giddy.

BURNS
Oh, I'm drenched with sweat. (pushes the sweat back in) I'm going to take a bath-yola, and when I come back, you'd better be laughing.

Burns leaves. Homer pulls out his joint.

HOMER
This stuff can make anything funny, even that show that follows Friends. But I promised my family I wouldn't smoke it anymore.

SMITHERS
Well, I gotta do something.

HOMER
Start inhalin', Waylon.

Sometime later, Smithers is high, and wearing a suit.

SMITHERS
This suit used to belong to Judy Garland. Uh, we could sing a song, if you don't mind being Mickey Rooney.

HOMER
You mean that guy on "60 Minutes" who yells all the time?

SMITHERS
Sixty minutes? Oh my God, Mr. Burns has been in the tub for an hour!

They rush into the bathroom to see Burns floating face down in the bathtub. They both scream. Smithers pulls him out of the tub.

SMITHERS
Oh, Mr. Burns. You were too beautiful for this world.

He hugs him and Burns slips out of his hands like soap and flies into the wall.

HOMER
Oh man, we killed Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns is gonna be so mad!

SMITHERS
The investors meeting is in twenty minutes.

HOMER
So what? Mr. Burns is dead!

SMITHERS
We can carry on. Michael Eisner's been dead for five years, Ted Turner's just a hologram. Now, we gotta think...

At the investors meeting Bill Clinton introduces.

CLINTON
So, when somebody says I was an embarrassment to the country, I say "It depends on what the meaning of 'was' is, jerk." (chuckles) You owe me two hundred thousand dollars. Good night everybody!

He walks off, and Homer takes his place.

HOMER
Bill Clinton, everyone! He's Jimmy Carter with a fox attitude. And now a man who you will see as definitely... not dead... Mr. Montgomery Burns!

The curtains open and Burns appears, sat in a chair. He has strings attached to him and Smithers controls his movement from the gallery like a puppet.

HOMER
Mr. Burns, as we're running long, may we skip you speech and go directly to the questions?

Smithers makes Burns nod. Dr. Nick stands up.

DR. NICK
Mr. Burns, a two-part question: One, when will you see a profit again, and two, what's that red stuff coming out of your ear?

HOMER
Mr. Burns, may I field that one? (Burns nods and smiles) It's true we're losing money. But there's no reason we can't dance, dance, dance the night away!

Smithers makes Burns do a dance. The audience cheer. Suddenly, the strings break and Burns lands on the floor. The curtains close and Homer wraps up.

HOMER
Mr. Burns has left the building!

CROWD
(chanting) We are ovine! We are ovine!

Homer goes behind the curtain, where Burns is on the floor. Suddenly, he wakes up.

BURNS
Ah, brilliant. We lost sixty million dollars and they're cheering for more.

SMITHERS
Mr. Burns, you're alive!

BURNS
Yes, I regained consciousness during my big dance number. Those strings pulling me every which way jostled my heart from its slumber.

HOMER
(to Smithers) And you wanted to take him to the hospital.

BURNS
Oh and you didn't? Well, the worm has finally shown his fangs. Smithers, make me slap him.

Smithers pulls the string attached to Burns' arm and makes him slap Homer.

BURNS
You call that a slap? Make me slap you. (slaps Smithers) Now both (slaps both ) Now just you. (slaps Smithers) Now give me a taste. (slaps himself) Now both again. (slaps both, and fade to credits) Now all three (three slaps heard) Excellent...