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Simpsons episode scripts
Since The Simpsons is one of the most quoted shows in television
history, this section is a godsend to all Simpsons freaks. These transcripts are
perfect for finding that exact quotation you're trying to remember, reciting
with your friends, or any other purpose you can think of! As you might imagine,
these take a long time to compile and so only 16 episodes have been transcribed
thus far.
We have started writing a full transcript for the Simpsons Movie! It's about 25% complete at the moment.
EPISODE
7G08, Season 1
WRITTEN BY
Mimi Pond
DIRECTED BY
David Silverman
"The Simpsons Christmas Special" appears on screen. The
episode begins with Homer, Marge and Maggie arriving at Springfield
Elementary School. They are late for the schools' Christmas show.
MARGE
Oh, careful, Homer!
HOMER
There's no time to be careful, we're late.
EPISODE
7F01, Season 2
WRITTEN BY
Sam Simon
John Swartzwelder
DIRECTED BY
Wesley Archer
Bart and Lisa are fishing. A car pulls up and a man gets out.
SHUTTON
Ah, so kids, caught anything?
LISA
Not yet, sir.
SHUTTON
Uh-huh. What are you using for bait?
LISA
My brother's using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far
outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.
EPISODE
9F15, Season 4
WRITTEN BY
Jay Kogen
Wallace Wolodarsky
DIRECTED BY
Mark Kirkland
The episode starts in a large mansion. Senator Medoza taps his
glass to call attention to his dinner guests.
MENDOZA
My friends, tonight we unveil my most diabolical creation: Swank. Ten
times more addictive than marijuana.
GUESTS
Ooh!
MENDOZA
To human misery!
Suddenly, the ice sculpture bursts and TV action hero McBain bursts
out.
MCBAIN
Ice to see you!
EPISODE
1F01, Season 5
WRITTEN BY
John Swartzwelder
DIRECTED BY
Wes Archer
At Burns' mansion. The shots
pans down past several signs on the gate: Keep Out; Danger Electrified
Fence; Trespassers Will Be Shot; Free Kittens - Inquire Within.
Outside the front door, several guards march up and down, chanting.
GUARDS
All we own, we o-own, all we own, we o-own.
SMITHERS
(leaning out of a window) Shh!
GUARDS
(quieter) All we own, we o-own, all we own, we o-own...
EPISODE
1F04, Season 5
WRITTEN BY
Conan O'Brien
Bill Oakley
Josh Weinstein
Greg Daniels
Dan McGrath
Bill Canterbury
DIRECTED BY
David Silverman
Bart wanders through an art gallery, with many scary paintings of
the Simpsons family behind him.
BART
Paintings: lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night,
they take on a life of their own. They become portals to hell, so
scary and horrible and gruesome that--
MARGE
Bart! You should warn people this episode is very frightening. And
maybe they'd rather listen to that old "War of the Worlds"
broadcast on NPR, hmm?
BART
Yes, mother.
EPISODE
1F10, Season 5
WRITTEN BY
Greg Daniels
DIRECTED BY
Mark Kirkland
At the Kwik-E-Mart.
MAN 1
I need one twenty-nine-cent stamp.
APU
That's a dollar-eighty-five.
MAN 2
I'd like two dollars worth of gas, please.
APU
Four-twenty.
MARTIN
How much is your penny candy?
APU
Surprisingly expensive!
EPISODE
1F20, Season 5
WRITTEN BY
Greg Daniels
DIRECTED BY
Carlos Baeza
Homer is playing poker at Lenny's house. Also present are Moe,
Barney and Carl.
MOE
All right, I raise a quarter.
LENNY I'm out.
CARL I'm out.
BARNEY I'm out. Whoa!
He passes out and falls off his chair.
MOE
Homer, do you want any cards? Homer!
Homer is choking on something. Moe slaps him on the back, and he
coughs up a chip.
HOMER
Whoo! Don't try to eat these so-called 'chips'.
EPISODE
2F11, Season 6
WRITTEN BY
John Swartzwelder
DIRECTED BY
Bob Anderson
The episode starts at Springfield Elementary. The children stand
outside. Principal Skinner stands in front of then, wearing goggles.
SKINNER
And now, to top off our most propane-explosion-free science week ever,
our grand finale: the launching of a weather balloon!
The children cheer. Bart's voice can be heard over the top.
BART
Go, weather balloon! Hurrah for science, woo!
EPISODE
3G01, Season 8
WRITTEN BY
Reid Harrison
DIRECTED BY
Steven Dean Moore
Leonard Nimoy is sitting behind a desk in a darkened room.
NIMOY
Hello, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is
true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're
entertaining lies, and in the end, isn't that the real truth? The
answer...is no.
Our story begins on a Friday morning, in a little town called
Springfield...
EPISODE
4F12, Season 8
WRITTEN BY
David S. Cohen
DIRECTED BY
Steve Moore
The episode opens with the Krusty the Klown show, and Krusty is
covered in cream pies.
KRUSTY
I hope you enjoyed my one-man pie fight, kids! Now it's time for
another fanschmabulous episode of... Itchy and Scratchy!
The episode is titled "Why Do Fools Fall In Lava?" Itchy
makes Scratchy bungee jump into a volcano using his intestine.
Scratchy dangles just above the lava, and Itchy pours gasoline into
him until Scratchy goes up in flames. The Simpsons TV is turned on,
displaying this episode, but with no one watching. Marge walks through
the living room and notices.
EPISODE
4F19, Season 8
WRITTEN BY
John Swartzwelder
DIRECTED BY
Jim Reardon
Kent Brockman delivers the news.
KENT
(chuckling) ...which if true, means death for us all. And now,
"Kent's People!" Tonight's inspiring story is about Frank
Grimes, a thirty-five-year-old Springfieldianite who's earned
everything the hard way, but never let adversity get him down.
We see a young boy in the back seat of a car.
KENT
Abandoned by his parents at age four, Frank never got to go to school.
In fact, Grimes is not in the car, he is stood behind as the car
drives off.
EPISODE
5F01, Season 9
WRITTEN BY
John Swartzwelder
DIRECTED BY
Pete Michels
The Simpsons watch TV. A commercial comes on. A man barbeques a soccer ball, and throws it
towards the camera.
MAN
Open wide for some soccer!
Several soccer clips follow, with a voice over.
TV ANNOUNCER
The Continental Soccer Association is coming to Springfield! It's all
here - fast-kicking, low scoring, and ties? You bet!
EPISODE
5F11, Season 9
WRITTEN BY
David S. Cohen
DIRECTED BY
Pete Michels
A storm rages on a dark cloudy sky and Noah, played by Troy
McClure, waits for God to command him.
GOD
Noah! They shalt builts thyself an ark, measuring 300 cubits in
length!
MCCLURE
(writing on a stone tablet) 300 cubits... give or take.
GOD
Exactly 300! And thou shalt taketh two of every creature!
MCCLURE
(writing it down) Two creatures.
GOD
Two of EVERY creature!
MCCLURE
Even stink beetles?
GOD
ESPECIALLY stink beetles!
EPISODE
5F22, Season 10
WRITTEN BY
David S. Cohen
DIRECTED BY
Stephen Dean Moore
At the Simpson home, Homer calls everyone together.
HOMER
Mail call! Gather 'round, everyone! All right, one for... resident.
MARGE
That's me!
HOMER
Well, that's it.
BART
One stinkin' letter? Why'd you make us gather 'round like that?
HOMER
I needed my power fix. (sighs with pleasure)
EPISODE
CABF08, Season 12
WRITTEN BY
Larry Doyle
DIRECTED BY
Matthew Nastuk
The Simpsons family are in the kitchen, gathered for breakfast.
BART
Mmm, good pancakes, Mom!
MARGE
Oh, thank you, honey! They come in a squeeze bottle now.
Marge squeezes the bottle, and it makes a flatulent noise.
MARGE
Woo! Oh, I'd better put the silencer on.
EPISODE
DABF11, Season 13
WRITTEN BY
Jon Vitti
DIRECTED BY
Michael Marcantel
The Simpsons eat dinner in the kitchen. Marge calls everyone's
attention.
MARGE
Alright family! Who can guess what's different about dinner tonight?
HOMER
(looks at food) Eh, same old garbage! (The rest of the
family laugh.)
BART
This guy's always on!
MARGE
Oh, you two! We're eating genetically modified vegetables. Look how
big they are!
HOMER
(picking up corn) This corn doesn't look so big.
MARGE
That's baby corn.
HOMER
(shocked) Wha-aat!?
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