Email RSS Feed Twitter Feed It’s okay, I’m pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First, I’ll reach in and pull my legs out. Now I’ll pull my arms out with my face.Homer

Simpsons episode scripts

Since The Simpsons is one of the most quoted shows in television history, this section is a godsend to all Simpsons freaks. These transcripts are perfect for finding that exact quotation you're trying to remember, reciting with your friends, or any other purpose you can think of!

As you might imagine, these take a long time to compile and so only 16 episodes have been transcribed thus far.

Simpsons Movie Simpsons Movie

Directed by
David Silverman

Written by
James L. Brooks
Matt Groening
Al Jean
Ian Maxtone-Graham
George Meyer
David Mirkin
Mike Reiss
Mike Scully
Matt Selman
John Swartzwelder
Jon Vitti

The Simpsons Movie

LOVEJOY
For the latest rock band to die in our town. Lord, hear our prayer.

CONGREGATION
Lord, hear our prayer.

Car tyres screech to a halt outside. We see the Simpsons' silhouettes as the family make their way to the church door. Their conversation can also be heard.

MARGE
I hate being late!

HOMER
Well I hate going. Why can't I worship the Lord in my own way, by praying like hell on my death bed.

MARGE
Homer, they can hear you inside!

HOMER
Relax! Those pious morons are too busy talking to their phoney-baloney God!

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7G08

Episode
7G08, Season 1

Written by
Mimi Pond

Directed by
David Silverman

Simpsons Roasting On An Open Fire

"The Simpsons Christmas Special" appears on screen. The episode begins with Homer, Marge and Maggie arriving at Springfield Elementary School. They are late for the schools' Christmas show.

MARGE
Oh, careful, Homer!

HOMER
There's no time to be careful, we're late.

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7F01

Episode
7F01, Season 2

Written by
Sam Simon
John Swartzwelder

Directed by
Wesley Archer

Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish

Bart and Lisa are fishing. A car pulls up and a man gets out.

SHUTTON
Ah, so kids, caught anything?

LISA
Not yet, sir.

SHUTTON
Uh-huh. What are you using for bait?

LISA
My brother's using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.

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9F15

Episode
9F15, Season 4

Written by
Jay Kogen
Wallace Wolodarsky

Directed by
Mark Kirkland

Last Exit To Springfield

The episode starts in a large mansion. Senator Medoza taps his glass to call attention to his dinner guests.

MENDOZA
My friends, tonight we unveil my most diabolical creation: Swank. Ten times more addictive than marijuana.

GUESTS
Ooh!

MENDOZA
To human misery!

Suddenly, the ice sculpture bursts and TV action hero McBain bursts out.

MCBAIN
Ice to see you!

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1F01

Episode
1F01, Season 5

Written by
John Swartzwelder

Directed by
Wes Archer

Rosebud

At Burns' mansion. The shots pans down past several signs on the gate: Keep Out; Danger Electrified Fence; Trespassers Will Be Shot; Free Kittens - Inquire Within. Outside the front door, several guards march up and down, chanting.

GUARDS
All we own, we o-own, all we own, we o-own.

SMITHERS
(leaning out of a window) Shh!

GUARDS
(quieter) All we own, we o-own, all we own, we o-own...

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1F04

Episode
1F04, Season 5

Written by
Conan O'Brien
Bill Oakley
Josh Weinstein
Greg Daniels
Dan McGrath
Bill Canterbury

Directed by
David Silverman

Treehouse of Horror IV

Bart wanders through an art gallery, with many scary paintings of the Simpsons family behind him.

BART
Paintings: lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to hell, so scary and horrible and gruesome that--

MARGE
Bart! You should warn people this episode is very frightening. And maybe they'd rather listen to that old "War of the Worlds" broadcast on NPR, hmm?

BART
Yes, mother.

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1F10

Episode
1F10, Season 5

Written by
Greg Daniels

Directed by
Mark Kirkland

Homer and Apu

At the Kwik-E-Mart.

MAN 1
I need one twenty-nine-cent stamp.

APU
That's a dollar-eighty-five.

MAN 2
I'd like two dollars worth of gas, please.

APU
Four-twenty.

MARTIN
How much is your penny candy?

APU
Surprisingly expensive!

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1F20

Episode
1F20, Season 5

Written by
Greg Daniels

Directed by
Carlos Baeza

Secrets Of A Successful Marriage

Homer is playing poker at Lenny's house. Also present are Moe, Barney and Carl.

MOE
All right, I raise a quarter.

LENNY I'm out.
CARL I'm out.
BARNEY I'm out. Whoa!

He passes out and falls off his chair.

MOE
Homer, do you want any cards? Homer!

Homer is choking on something. Moe slaps him on the back, and he coughs up a chip.

HOMER
Whoo! Don't try to eat these so-called 'chips'.

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2F11

Episode
2F11, Season 6

Written by
John Swartzwelder

Directed by
Bob Anderson

Bart's Comet

The episode starts at Springfield Elementary. The children stand outside. Principal Skinner stands in front of then, wearing goggles.

SKINNER
And now, to top off our most propane-explosion-free science week ever, our grand finale: the launching of a weather balloon!

The children cheer. Bart's voice can be heard over the top.

BART
Go, weather balloon! Hurrah for science, woo!

SKINNER
(quietly) "Hurrah for science, woo"? I can't say I approve of the "woo" but the "hurrah" was quite heartening.

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3G01

Episode
3G01, Season 8

Written by
Reid Harrison

Directed by
Steven Dean Moore

The Springfield Files

Leonard Nimoy is sitting behind a desk in a darkened room.

NIMOY
Hello, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies, and in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer...is no.
Our story begins on a Friday morning, in a little town called Springfield...

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4F12

Episode
4F12, Season 8

Written by
David S. Cohen

Directed by
Steve Moore

The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show

The episode opens with the Krusty the Klown show, and Krusty is covered in cream pies.

KRUSTY
I hope you enjoyed my one-man pie fight, kids! Now it's time for another fanschmabulous episode of... Itchy and Scratchy!

The episode is titled "Why Do Fools Fall In Lava?" Itchy makes Scratchy bungee jump into a volcano using his intestine. Scratchy dangles just above the lava, and Itchy pours gasoline into him until Scratchy goes up in flames. The Simpsons TV is turned on, displaying this episode, but with no one watching. Marge walks through the living room and notices.

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4F19

Episode
4F19, Season 8

Written by
John Swartzwelder

Directed by
Jim Reardon

Homer's Enemy

Kent Brockman delivers the news.

KENT
(chuckling) ...which if true, means death for us all. And now, "Kent's People!" Tonight's inspiring story is about Frank Grimes, a thirty-five-year-old Springfieldianite who's earned everything the hard way, but never let adversity get him down.

We see a young boy in the back seat of a car.

KENT
Abandoned by his parents at age four, Frank never got to go to school.

In fact, Grimes is not in the car, he is stood behind as the car drives off.

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5F01

Episode
5F01, Season 9

Written by
John Swartzwelder

Directed by
Pete Michels

The Cartridge Family

The Simpsons watch TV. A commercial comes on. A man barbeques a soccer ball, and throws it towards the camera.

MAN
Open wide for some soccer!

Several soccer clips follow, with a voice over.

TV ANNOUNCER
The Continental Soccer Association is coming to Springfield! It's all here - fast-kicking, low scoring, and ties? You bet!

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5F11

Episode
5F11, Season 9

Written by
David S. Cohen

Directed by
Pete Michels

Das Bus

A storm rages on a dark cloudy sky and Noah, played by Troy McClure, waits for God to command him.

GOD
Noah! They shalt builts thyself an ark, measuring 300 cubits in length!

MCCLURE
(writing on a stone tablet) 300 cubits... give or take.

GOD
Exactly 300! And thou shalt taketh two of every creature!

MCCLURE
(writing it down) Two creatures.

GOD
Two of EVERY creature!

MCCLURE
Even stink beetles?

GOD
ESPECIALLY stink beetles!

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5F22

Episode
5F22, Season 10

Written by
David S. Cohen

Directed by
Stephen Dean Moore

Bart, the Mother

At the Simpson home, Homer calls everyone together.

HOMER
Mail call! Gather 'round, everyone! All right, one for... resident.

MARGE
That's me!

HOMER
Well, that's it.

BART
One stinkin' letter? Why'd you make us gather 'round like that?

HOMER
I needed my power fix. (sighs with pleasure)

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CABF08

Episode
CABF08, Season 12

Written by
Larry Doyle

Directed by
Matthew Nastuk

Worst Episode Ever

The Simpsons family are in the kitchen, gathered for breakfast.

BART
Mmm, good pancakes, Mom!

MARGE
Oh, thank you, honey! They come in a squeeze bottle now.

Marge squeezes the bottle, and it makes a flatulent noise.

MARGE
Woo! Oh, I'd better put the silencer on.

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DABF11

Episode
DABF11, Season 13

Written by
Jon Vitti

Directed by
Michael Marcantel

Weekend At Burnsies

The Simpsons eat dinner in the kitchen. Marge calls everyone's attention.

MARGE
Alright family! Who can guess what's different about dinner tonight?

HOMER
(looks at food) Eh, same old garbage! (The rest of the family laugh.)

BART
This guy's always on!

MARGE
Oh, you two! We're eating genetically modified vegetables. Look how big they are!

HOMER
(picking up corn) This corn doesn't look so big.

MARGE
That's baby corn.

HOMER
(shocked) Wha-aat!?

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