The Simpsons Movie guide: script

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20th Century Fox ident. From halfway through, Ralph Wiggum sings along with the tune.

RALPH
Da-da-da-da! Da-da-da-da! Da-da-da-daaa!

The logo fades to black-and-white and scrolls off-screen. The Moon comes into shot. A spacecraft flies over the surface and lands on the Moon, to the music from "2001: A Space Odyssey". Scratchy climbs down the side of the craft, making his way onto the Moon's surface. He takes big strides across to an American flag, next to which Itchy is standing.

SCRATCHY
We come in peace, for cats and mice everywhere.

Itchy removes the flagpole from the surface and stabs Scratchy in the chest several times; Scratchy screams each time. Itchy hits him over the head several times, breaking his space helmet and causing his head to expand and pop. Itchy points and laughs at him, then goes back to the ship and flies back to Earth.

A newspaper, The Washington Post, spins into view. It reads, "MOUSE HERO RETURNS" with the subtitle, "Did Everything To Save Cat". A second headline reads, "A WIDOW MOURNS".

A parade fills the street with blue mice not unlike Itchy, who rides in a car. "Itchy for President" and "Itchy/Hillary '08" banners can be seen.

ITCHY
Hey, how you doin'? Good to see ya. Thanks for coming out.

It seems Itchy does become President. One night he is eating cheese n the White House and hears Scratchy's voice.

SCRATCHY
(echoing) Itchy... Itchy...

Itchy looks up at the Moon with binoculars. Scratchy is still there, lying on the ground; he holds up a placard, reading "I'm Telling". After much deliberation, Itchy decides what to do - launch missiles at the moon. He opens up a secret government machine and sets it to "Accidental Launch".

Hundreds of rockets are fired towards the Moon. As they close in on him, Scratchy screams with his mouth wide open. All the rockets enter his mouth and swell him up. One final rocket flies in close, stops, then opens a compartment in the front. A boot comes out and kicks Scratchy, causing him to explode into pieces.

Homer's head appears in front of the screen.

HOMER
Boring!

LISA
Dad! We can't see the movie.

We see that the family are in a movie theatre, along with many other Springfield citizens.

HOMER
I can't believe we're paying to see something we get on TV for free. (gesturing) If you ask me everyone in this theatre is a giant sucker. (points at camera) Especially you!

Homer's image fades as the traditional Simpsons opening begins...

---

CHORUS
The Simpsons...

Professor Frink flies a contraption across the screen from right to left, dragging a large banner saying "MOVIE".

FRINK
(singing) Movie! On the big screen...

The camera flies through the 'O' of 'MOVIE' and we take a trip through Springfield. We pass various scenery before entering Mr. Burns' mansion. Smithers applies toothpaste to Burns' toothbrush, causing him to fall over from the weight.

Past Moe's and down the street is the Kwik-E-Mart, where Apu is changing the expiry date on a carton of milk.

Outside Springfield Elementary School, Jimbo, Kearney and Dolph hoist Martin up the flagpole by his underpants. They salute as Martin screams. Inside his classroom, Bart writes "I WILL NOT ILLEGALLY DOWNLOAD THIS MOVIE." on the blackboard.

We fade into a crowd scene at Springfield Lake at night. Green Day are playing as part of the "Duff Summer Concert Series". Mrs. Krabappel is on Principal Skinner's shoulders; she opens her sweater to reveal a T-Shirt with a downward arrow and the words "Not My Boyfriend". Comic Book Guy is trying to crowd surf, much to the crowd's displeasure.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Excuse me, my hinie is dipping!

They crowd drops him. Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day sings "da-da-da" to the final part of the Simpsons tune, following his teleprompter.

BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
Alright, well thanks a lot for coming. We've been playing for three and a half hours, now we'd like just a minute of your time to say something about the environment.

There is a deathly silence, followed by huge boos from the Springfieldians. They start throwing things at Green Day.

BARNEY
Preachy!

BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
We're not being preachy!

FRANK EDWIN WRIGHT III
But the pollution in your lake - it's dissolving our barge!

Moe is sat in a deck chair. Lisa is stood next to him.

LISA
I thought they touched on a vital issue.

MOE
I beg to differ.

He throws a rock at the stage, which penetrates the bass drum and hits Frank in the crotch.

FRANK EDWIN WRIGHT III
Oh!

MICHAEL PRITCHARD
Gentlemen, it's been an honour playing with you tonight.

Green Day put down their instruments and bring out violins as the barge sinks. Lisa looks on woefully.

---

EXT. First Church of Springfield, daytime. A billboard outside reads "THOU SHALT TURN OFF THY CELL PHONE". Inside, Mrs. Glick plays "American Idiot: Funeral Version" on the organ.

LOVEJOY
For the latest rock band to die in our town. Lord, hear our prayer.

CONGREGATION
Lord, hear our prayer.

Car tyres screech to a halt outside. We see the Simpsons' silhouettes as the family make their way to the church door. Their conversation can also be heard.

MARGE
I hate being late!

HOMER
Well I hate going. Why can't I worship the Lord in my own way, by praying like hell on my death bed.

MARGE
Homer, they can hear you inside!

HOMER
Relax! Those pious morons are too busy talking to their phoney-baloney God!

The family enter the church to total silence and angry looks. They make their way to their pew.

HOMER
How ya doin'? Peace be with you. Praise Jebus.

The family sit down next to Grampa who is already there, sleeping. Bart brings out a Gameboy-like device and plays a game called 'Baby Blast'. Maggie notices and angrily pulls the game cartridge from the Gameboy.

LOVEJOY
Now today I'd like to try something a little different. I'm gonna call on one of you!

He points at the congregation, who gasp in shock, then cower.

LOVEJOY
Now the word of God dwells within everyone, I want you to let that word out! Let your spirit--

NED
(raising arm) Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

LOVEJOY
(sighs) What is it, Ned?

NED
The good Lord is telling me to confess to something.

HOMER
(quietly, with fingers crossed) Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay...

NED
An immodest sense of pride in our community.

LOVEJOY
Somebody else. Let the Lord's light shine upon you!

Cut to Grampa, still asleep. Light shines through the window behind him. Grampa leans forward but the beam of light follows him. His eyes open and he slowly stands.

LOVEJOY
Feel the spirit. Let it out!

Grampa suddenly springs to life, possessed.

GRAMPA
Horrible! Horrible things are going to happen! (he starts pointing) And they're going to happen to you, and you, and you... (points at Marge) and you! Oh nelly!

He falls to the floor, writhing. Comic Book Guy calmly starts recording him with a camera phone.

GRAMPA
People of Springfield! Heed this warning. Twisted tail! A thousand eyes! Trapped forever!!

He 'walks' in a circle on the floor, making noises.

LISA
Dad, do something!

Homer picks up a Bible and quickly flicks through it.

HOMER
This book doesn't have any answers!

GRAMPA
Beware! Beware! Time is short. Eeepa! Eeepa! Eeeeeeepaaaaa! (falls to floor again) Believe me! Believe me!

Homer rolls his father up in the aisle rug and drags him out of the church, still moaning.

GRAMPA
Thanks for listening!

---

EXT. The drive home. In the car, Marge gives Grampa (still wrapped in the rug) a puzzled look.

HOMER
Okay! Who want waffles?

BART, LISA, GRAMPA
I do I do I do!

MARGE
Wait a minute, what about Grampa?

BART
I want syrup!

LISA
I want strawberry!

MARGE
Something happened to that man.

HOMER
I'll tell ya what happened: A certain someone had a senior moment. But that's okay, because we love him, and we got a free rug out of it. (kisses Grampa on the forehead)

MARGE
What is the point of going to church every Sunday, when if someone we love has a genuine religious experience, we ignore it? Right Grampa?

There is a short silence.

GRAMPA
I want bananas on my waffles!

HOMER
I rest my case.

The family pull up at the waffle place.

MARGE
I'm not dropping this.

She gets out the car and heads inside. The rest of the family follow, leaving Grampa behind.

GRAMPA
Wait a minute! I'm still in the car!

HOMER
(returning) Oh. Right.

He opens the car door, winds the window down a bit, then leaves his father.

---

EXT. The Simpsons home. Homer starts his chores. #1, 'Go to church' is crossed off.

HOMER
(reading) Take out hornet's nest.

The nest is hanging from a tree. Homer pokes it with a broom handle; it falls and he catches it. He places it in Flanders' mail box, and gives it a shake.

HOMER
Check. (reads) Fix sink hole.

There is a hole in the middle of the lawn, which appears to be submerging. Homer pulls the sandbox over it, but the sand starts to sink, too. He places Maggie in the hole; she plugs it nicely.

HOMER
Check. (reads) Reshingle roof?

Homer and Bart are on the roof. Homer is about to hammer a nail in. His thumb covers the nail head.

HOMER
Steady... steady...

Homer suddenly stabs himself in the eye with the back of the hammer.

HOMER
Owww! Owww!

Bart laughs hysterically. Homer pulls the hammer out of his eye.

HOMER
Why you little...! (strangles Bart) I'll teach you to laugh at something that's funny!

Bart struggles free.

BART
You know, we are on the roof. We could have some fun.

HOMER
What kind of fun?

BART
How about a dare contest?

HOMER
That sounds fun. I dare you to... climb the T.V. antennae.

Bart does so.

BART
Piece of cake.

Homer starts shaking the antennae.

HOMER
Earthquake! Earthquake!

They both laugh. Bart is thrown off the antennae and bounces down the roof, grabbing the gutter as he falls. Homer starts shaking the gutter.

HOMER
Aftershock! Aftershock!

NED
(from his garden) Uh, Homer, I don't mean to be a nervis-pervis or anything, but if he falls, couldn't that make your boy a parapleg-a-rino?

HOMER
(hammering the gutter) Shut up, Flanders!

BART
Yeah, shut up, Flanders!

HOMER
Well said, boy. (They high-five, then Homer readies another nail for the gutter) Steady... steady... steady...

The roof suddenly breaks and Homer falls through, and Bart laughs. Inside we can see Grampa reading 'Oatmeal Enthusiast'.

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EXT. Springfield street. Lisa is in the distance, going door-to-door.

LISA
(door is answered) Hello. Sorry to bother you on a Sunday, but I'm sure you're as worried about the pollution is Lake Springfield as I am--

The door is slammed in her face. She moves on to the next house.

LISA
Lake Springfield has higher levels of mercury than ev--

The door is slammed in her face again. She moves on to the next house, where an old lady answers.

OLD LADY
Why it's the little girl who saved my cat.

LISA
Lake Springfield--

Again, the door is shut on Lisa. She sighs. As she looks around the street, everyone in their houses closes curtains and slams doors. Captain McCallister shuts the door to his house-boat and drives it away down a conveniently-placed river. Lisa groans again. As she walks past another house, the door opens to Milhouse.

MILHOUSE
Come on over, Lisa. You can canvas me as long as you want.

LISA
Milhouse, you don't care about the environment.

MILHOUSE
Hey! I am very passionate about the planet!

Nelson Muntz appears behind Milhouse with his fist raised.

NELSON
Say global warming is a myth!

MILHOUSE
It's a myth! Further study is needed!

Nelson punches Milhouse in the chest.

NELSON
That's for selling out your beliefs.

Lisa goes to Milhouse to console him.

LISA
Oh, poor Milhouse.

MILHOUSE
(awakens in a daze) Dream coming true...

Lise hears an Irish voice. A young boy is canvassing door-to-door, just like Lisa was.

COLIN
Are you aware that a leaky faucet can waste over--

The door is slammed in his face. Lisa finishes his sentence.

LISA
Two thousand gallons a year!

COLIN
And turning off your lights could save--

LISA
--enough energy to power Pittburgh!

COLIN
And if we just kept our thermostats at sixty-eight in the winter--

LISA
--we'd be free from our dependency on foreign oil in seventeen years!

COLIN
I'm Colin.

LISA
I haven't seen you at school.

COLIN
Just moved here from Ireland. My Dad's a musician.

LISA
Is he--

COLIN
He's not Bono.

LISA
I just thought because you're Irish, and you care about--

COLIN
(angrily) He's not Bono!

LISA
Do you play?

COLIN
Just piano, guitar, trumpet, drums and bass.

LISA
(thinking) He's pure gold! For once in your life, be cool!

COLIN
So, is your name as pretty as your face?

Lisa lets out a loud laugh and faints.

COLIN
You okay there?

Lisa laughs and giggles.

---

INT. Simpsons kitchen. Marge watches Grampa's ramblings on Comic Book Guy's camera-phone.

GRAMPA
(in video) A twisted tail! A thousand eyes! Trapped forever! Eepa! Eepa!

MARGE
Eepa? What could that be?

COMIC BOOK GUY
I believe it's the sound the green lantern made when Sinestro threw him into a vat of acid. Eeepaa!

MARGE
(unconvined) Yeah... Thanks for coming over.

COMIC BOOK GUY
Thanks for giving me your pregnancy pants. Never known comfort like this.

---

EXT. Simpsons front lawn. Homer is carrying bricks on his back while Bart shoots at him with a pellet gun.

HOMER
(hit with pellets) D'oh! D'oh! Why did I (hit with more pellets) suggest this? (hit with more pellets)

Meanwhile, an advertising banner scrolls along the bottom of the screen. It reads: WATCH "ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A CELEBRITY?" - WEDNESDAYS ON FOX. THAT'S RIGHT, WE EVEN ADVERTISE SHOWS DURING MOVIES NOW.

A timer dings. Homer drops the bricks off his back.

HOMER
Alright boy, time for the ultimate dare. I dare YOU to skateboard to Krusty Burger - and back - naked!

BART
How naked?

HOMER
Fourth base.

BART
But girls might see my doodle.

HOMER
(taunting) Oh, I see. Then I hereby declare you 'chicken for life'. Every morning you'll wake up to "Good morning chicken!" At your wedding, I'll sing (he sings the wedding anthem in clucking noises; as Bart skateboard past him naked, he makes a surprised clucking sound).

We follow Bart's skateboarding journey through Springfield. He shocks the townspeople as he rides past them. He rides past Ralph Wiggum.

RALPH
I like men now!

Bart skateboards through the town square.

AGNES SKINNER
Don't look where I'm pointing!

She points at Bart, her hand following his movement and conveniently covering his shame. Bart rides past Jimbo offering Dolph a cigarette; Otto throwing a frisbee; a remote control car; a flying dove; a sprinkler; a girl blowing bubbles; and some dandelions - all of which obscure his private parts. Then Bart passes a hedge with the bottom cut out and we, ahem, get to see his doodle...



After this he passes a police car which promptly follows him, siren blaring. Wiggum, Lou and Eddie are in the car.

WIGGUM
Stop in the name of American squeamishness!

Lou fires a gun from the car, taking out the skateboard's back wheel. Bart loses control, hits a kerb and goes flying past Hans Moleman in his truck (who screams). In Krusty Burger, Ned and his kids are about to eat.

NED
Boys, before we eat, don't forget to thank the Lord for this bountiful-- (Bart hits the window, sticking to it.) --penis?!

ROD & TODD
Bountiful penis.

TODD
Amen.

---

EXT. Krusty Burger, some time later. Lou and Eddie prise Bart off the window.

LOU
Uh, listen kid, nobody likes wearing clothes in public, but you know, it's... it's the law.

Bart pops off the window and Lou handcuffs him to a lamp post.

WIGGUM
Lunch time!

The cops head inside.

BART
You can't leave me out here!

LOU
Don't worry, we found a friend for you to play with.

He brings Nelson over.

NELSON
Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! (fade to much later; Nelson is still going but is tired) Ha ha... Ha ha... Ha ha...

Nelson's mother appears.

MRS. MUNTZ
Nelson, honey, where have you been? (Nelson points at Bart) Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha!

Homer pulls up in the car.

BART
Dad!

HOMER
What seems to be the problem, officers?

BART
Tell them you dared me to do it!

WIGGUM
If that's true, then you should be taking the rap here, not your son.

HOMER
(getting out the car) And what happens to me if it's my fault?

WIGGUM
You'll have to attend a one hour parenting class.

HOMER
It was all his idea! He's out of control I tell ya! Oh, I'm at my wit's end! (sobs)

Bart is unhandcuffed and the cops leave.

WIGGUM
See you in court, kid.

Homer stops sobbing.

HOMER
Okay son, let's get some lunch.

BART
Did you at least bring my clothes?

HOMER
Shirt, socks, everything you need.

BART
You didn't bring my pants!

HOMER
Who am I, Tommy Bahama?

BART
Oh, this is the worst day of my life.

HOMER
The worst day of your life so far.

They go into Krusty Burger. Bart walks past Ned.

NED
Say, Bart.

BART
What do you want, Flanders?

NED
If you need pants, I carry and extra pair. I mean, you know how boys are, always praying through the knees.

BART
Why are you helping me? I'm not your kid.

NED
We're neighbours. I'm sure your father would do the same for my boys.

Homer steals the Flanders' kids' fries and takes Bart.

HOMER
Thank you.

Homer and Bart are at a table. We see an interior shot of Homer's mouth as he eats. Bart is angry.

HOMER
Hey, what's with you?

BART
(melancholy) You really wanna know?

HOMER
Of course I do. What kind of father wouldn't care about (sees something) a pig wearing a hat!

Krusty the Clown is filming a commercial.

DIRECTOR
Action!

KRUSTY
Hey hey! It's your old pal Krusty for my new pork sandwich, the clogger! If you can find a greasier sandwich, you're in Mexico! (he laughs then takes a bite of the sandwich) Mmm!

DIRECTOR
And... we're clear.

Krusty spits out the sandwich.

KRUSTY
Perfect. Cut, print, kill the pig.

A saw is held up to the pig. It squeals in terror.

HOMER
(gasps) What? You can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!

The pig runs across to Homer, giving him a forlorn look. To the tune of 'Happy Together', Homer briefly imagines himself and the pig dancing in a field. He picks up the pig.

HOMER
You're coming home with me.

---

INT. Simpson kitchen. Maggie is playing the Baby Blast game she took from Bart earlier. Marge rearranges magnetic words on the fridge, from Grampa's outburst in church.

MARGE
A thousand eyes. What could that be?

GRAMPA
Hmm... I'm pretty sure a thousand... is a number.

Homer pokes his head round the door.

HOMER
Hey Marge! Isn't it great being married to someone who's recklessly impulsive?

MARGE
Actually, it's aged me horribly.

HOMER
Then say hello to the newest Simpson!

He brings the pig in. Marge looks at it's curly tail and gasps. The camera zooms in on the "twisted tail" magnets on the fridge.

MARGE
Homer! (Homer and the pig are sharing an orange potato chip) I believe what happened in church was a warning about precisely this! Please get rid of that pig!

HOMER
Oh, you're gonna love him! Look, he does and impression of you. (Homer pulls its tail and it squeals; Homer laughs) You nailed her. (Marge still looks worried) He also does me... (Homer squeezes him and he burps; Marge giggles) You smiled, I'm off the hook!

---

INT. Bart's bedroom, evening. Homer brushes the pig's hair into several different styles.

HOMER
Oh, you have so many looks.

He picks the pig up and walks out. Bart is in the tree outside the room. As he watches Homer leave, he sighs. A light is switched on in the Flanders' house. Ned tucks Rod and Todd into bed, kissing them on the forehead and vacuuming their sheets.

BART
(to himself) So that's what snug is.

HOMER
(in the bedroom again) Who's a good pig? (belly-kisses the pig) Who's a good pig? (belly-kisses the pig)

Bart prepares to use his slingshot on Homer.

NED
(from window) Rough day, huh son?

BART
You don't know what rough is, sister.

NED
(chuckles) Bart, you know, whenever my boys bake up a batch of "frownies", I take them fishing. Does your Dad every take you fishing?

Bart has a flashback of himself fishing with Homer. Homer plugs a bug-zapper into a battery.

BART
Dad, it's not fair to use a bug-zapper to catch the fish.

HOMER
If you love fish like I do, you want them to die with dignity.

He drops the bug-zapper in the water. It electrifies the whole lake and hundreds of fish float to the top.

HOMER
I think I have a nibble!

He reaches for a fish and is electrocuted. He manages to pull one out and is electrocuted again upon biting it. Back to the present.

BART
I think fishing might be more fun with you.

NED
Oh great! Now, how about I fix you some cocoa.

BART
No way, cocoa's for wusses.

NED
Well sir, if you change your mind, it's on the window sill.

Flanders sprays whipped cream on the top of a mug and places it on the sill. He adds a flake. Then grates some chocolate over it. Then sprays more whipped cream on the flake. Then sticks a marshmallow on the cream. Then takes a blow torch to the delicacy, browning the marshmallow. He leaves. Bart cautiously approaches, takes the cup and retreats to the other side of the garden. He takes a sip.

BART
Oh my God.

---

INT. Simpsons' hallway. Marge scrubs the pig tracks on the floor. Lisa is sitting on the stairs.

LISA
Oh wait, I didn't tell you the best part: he loves the environment. Ooh wait, I still didn't tell you the best part: he's got an Irish brogue! No no, wait wait, I still didn't tell you the best part: he's not imaginary!

MARGE
Aw honey, that's great! But the very best thing is that he listens to you. Because nothing means more than for a man to-- (looks up) how did the pig tracks get on the ceiling?

Homer is holding the pig upside down and running him back and forth along the ceiling. He sings to the tune of the Spider-Man theme.

HOMER
Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig,
Does whatever a Spider-Pig does,
Can he swing, from a web?
No he can't, he's a pig,
Look out! He is a Spider-Pig.

Marge looks on, blankly.

---

EXT. Springfield Lake. Bart and Ned are fishing.