You couldn’t fool your own mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine!— Homer
Lisa: Eww! How long has this baking soda been in here?
Marge: I don't know, it came with the house.
Bart: Milhouse my friend, you and I are going on a spending spree.
Milhouse: My doctor says I'm not supposed to go on sprees.
Bart: How about jags?
Milhouse: Jags are fine.
Milhouse: My Mom doesn't believe in fabric softener - but she's not around!
Comic Book Guy: Breath... short! Left arm... numb! Can't go on... describing symptoms... much... longer!
Dr. Hibbert: You've had what we call a cardiac episode.
Comic Book Guy: Worst. Episode. Ever.
Dr. Hibbert: If these boys hadn't called 911, I'd be wearing that watch right now. (chuckling) I'm just kidding. But you would be dead.
Milhouse: We'll run the store for you.
Comic Book Guy: Two ten-year-olds running my store? What is this, Bizarro-World?
Dr. Hibbert: Calm down! Don't make me put a dog heart in there!
Milhouse: Okay, here's Comic Book Guy's instructions: A carton of malted-milk balls, one box confectioners' sugar, a can of chocolate frosting...
Bart: That's just his shopping list.
Milhouse: No, it's his instructions.
Moe: Lemme buy ya a drink.
Comic Book Guy: Very well. I will have a cranberry schnapps. (He points to bottles on the shelf)
Moe: Uh, these, they're just painted on there.
Bart: Look, you're getting cranky. You haven't had your juice.
Milhouse: Well my straw broke off in the carton, and-- that's not the point! We're supposed to be partners, and you're pushing me around like a play-school corn-popper!
Bart: (sniggering) It's a vacuum cleaner, Milhouse.
Milhouse: Whatever! I demand respect! I have feelings! I'm a human boy, just like you!
Bart: Shh! Use your indoor voice.
Milhouse: He's even got the tape of Kent Brockman picking his nose. (He puts the tape in) Look! He's picking his nose!!
Ned: (on police tape) My neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape in my house. It's take over the whole top floor!
Bart: It wasn't Dad's fault, the ape tricked him.
Wiggum: Well, well, well! This place has got more pirated tapes than a...
Lou: A Chinese K-Mart?
Wiggum: Well, that'll have to do. Are these yours, son?
Milhouse: No sir. We're just exhibiting them for profit.
Wiggum: Fair enough. But the owner is in more hot water than...
Lou: A Japanese tea bag?
Wiggum: Why don't you lay off the Asians, Lou?