When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle. They’re on TV!— Homer
Lisa: Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is?
Homer: (sarcastically) No, I do not know what Schadenfreude is. Please tell me, because I'm dying to know!
Lisa: It's a German term for 'shameful joy', taking pleasure in the suffering of others.
Homer: Oh, come on Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt!
Marge: Bart, don't use the Touch of Death on your sister.
Ned: See anything you like?
Homer: Oh, I get it! It's not good enough for you, but it's good enough for me! Well, I wouldn't be caught dead buying this... (sees something) hello!
Homer: Hey, Bartlee-boobly, care for a steak-a-rooney?
Bart: Sounds crumptly-uptious, dear old duddly-doodly!
Homer: See Marge, you knock TV and then it helps you out. I think you owe someone an apology.
Akira: We learn karate, so that we need never use it.
Bart: Um, excuse me, sir. I already know how not to hit a guy. Can we break out the nunchucks?
Bart: Yo, sensei. Can I go to the bathroom?
Akira: You can if you believe you can.
Man: Hey, I hear you validate parking tickets without purchase.
Ned: Oh, right as rain! Or, as we say around here, `left as rain', heh heh.
Man: Just stamp the ticket.
Ned: At times like these, I used to turn to the Bible and find solace, but even the Good Book can't help me now.
Homer: Why not?
Ned: I sold it to you for seven cents.
Homer: It's all here, and it's all backwards!