When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle. They’re on TV!— Homer
Skinner: Why, there are no children here at the 4H club, either! Am I so out of touch? No, it's the children who are wrong.
Bart: Oh my God, he is like some sort of...non...giving up...school guy!
Wiggum: Oh my God! Someone's taken a bite out of the big Rice Krispie square! Oh yeah, and the waiter's been brutally beaten.
Skinner: (thinking) I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just a little reminder: if I found out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you head me. I think words I would never say.
Homer: (thinking) I know you can read my thoughts, boy. (singing) Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.
Moe: Freddy Quimby was with me the entire... night in question. We were collecting canned goods for the starving people in... er, you know, one of them loser countries.
Dr. Hibbert: Well, only one in two million people has what we call the "evil gene". Hitler had it, Walt Disney had it, and... Freddy Quimby has it.
Lionel Hutz: Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. I rest my case.
Judge: You rest your case?
Lionel Hutz: What? Oh no, I thought that was just a figure of speech. Case closed.
Homer: So if we don't all vote the same way, we'll be deadlocked and have to be sequestered in the Springfield Palace Hotel--
Patty: That's not going to happen.
Jasper: Let's vote. My liver is failing.
Homer: --where we'll get a free room, free food, free swimming pool, free HBO... ooh! Free Willy!
Homer: I'm only doing what I think is right. I believe Freddy Quimby should walk out of here a free hotel.
Skinner: You're stealing a table?
Homer: I'm not stealing it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir!
Skinner: Ah. Is that my necktie you're wearing?
Homer: Marge, it was horrible. Everyone was against me in that jury room. But I stood by the courage of my convictions and I prevailed. And that's why we had Chinese food for lunch.
Skinner: His brand of gum: Doublemint. Trying to double your fun, eh, Bart? Well, I'll double your detention. I wish someone was around to hear that.
Chief: (On TV) Well McGarnicle, Billy's dead! Slit his throat from ear to ear.
McGarnicle: Hey, I'm trying to eat lunch here!