When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle. They’re on TV!— Homer
Marge: How would you like it if twenty years from now, people were laughing at things you did?
Bart: Not likely.
Marge: Why don't you take this potato? It's pretty big.
Bart: Mom, you're always trying to give me potatoes. What is it with you?
Marge: I just think they're neat.
Lunchlady Doris: More testicles mean more iron!
Skinner: Willy, go into the vent and get him.
Willie: What? Have you gone waxy in your beaster? I cannot fit in a wee vent, you croquet-playing mint-muncher!
Skinner: Grease yourself up and go in, you... you guff-speaking work- slacker.
Willie: Ooh, good comeback.
Willie: Lunchlady Doris, have you got any grease?
Lunchlady Doris: Yes. Yes we do.
Willie: (ripping off his clothes) Then grease me up, woman!
Lunchlady Doris: Okey-dokey.
Willie: There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman.
Chalmers: Oh, I have had it, I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children...
Chalmers: You're fired!
Skinner: I'm sorry, did... did you just call me a liar?
Chalmers: No, I said you were fired.
Skinner: Oh. That's much worse.
Skinner: Now I... I finally have time to do what I've always wanted: write the great American novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it "Billy and the Cloneasaurus."
Apu: Oh, you have got to be kidding sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done. Then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through... (fade to later) ...it was on the bestseller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover had... (later again) ...most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking?!! (pause) I mean, thank you, come again.
Skinner: Er, one question remains: how do I get out of the army?
Bart: No problemo. Just make a pass at your commanding officer.
Skinner: Done and done. And I mean done!
Chalmers: Thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion!