Look Marge, you don’t know what it’s like - I’m the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I’m not out of order! You’re out of order! The whole freaking system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth! ’Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend’s face, you’ll know what to do!! Forget it Marge, it’s Chinatown!!!— Homer
Marge: You lost five percent of your brain.
Homer: Me lose brain? Uh-oh! (Everybody laughs) Why I laugh?
Lisa: Like Halloween and Christmas, April Fool's Day traces it origins to Pagan ritual.
Homer: God bless those Pagans.
Homer: ...and that's the story of April Fool's Day.
Lisa: Dad, I was telling the story!
Grampa: Coma? Pfft. Why I go in and out of comas all the... (snoozes briefly) French Toast please.
Bart: (spying on Homer) I've got to fool him before the day is out. But how? He must have a weakness.
Homer: Ah, beer. My one weakness. My Achilles' heel, if you will.
Bart: Beer! Beer is the cheese. But how to use it...
Homer: (drops his can) Whoo! It's a good thing that beer wasn't shaken up anymore, or I'd have looked quite the fool. An April Fool, as it were.
Lou: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Wiggum: Forget it, that's two blocks away!
Lou: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney!
Wiggum: I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8.
Lou: We need pretzels, repeat, pretzels.
TV: The following is a public service announcement. Excess of alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.
Homer: Mmm... beer.
Hibbert: You're a veterinarian?
Vet: That's right. And for an extra twenty dollars, I'll give Homer a tick bath and then spay him.
Bart: (pulls out money) Here you go, doc.
Bart: Shop around; You can't beat that price.
Homer: What if I wind up as some vegetable, watching TV on the couch? My important work will never be completed.
Lisa: Is a coma painful?
Grampa: Oh heck, no. You relive long lost summers, kiss girls from high school... it's like one of those TV shows where they show a bunch of clips from old episodes.