Alone! I’m alone! I’m a lonely, insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun!— Homer
Marge: You lost five percent of your brain.
Homer: Me lose brain? Uh-oh! (Everybody laughs) Why I laugh?
Lisa: Like Halloween and Christmas, April Fool's Day traces it origins to Pagan ritual.
Homer: God bless those Pagans.
Homer: ...and that's the story of April Fool's Day.
Lisa: Dad, I was telling the story!
Grampa: Coma? Pfft. Why I go in and out of comas all the... (snoozes briefly) French Toast please.
Bart: (spying on Homer) I've got to fool him before the day is out. But how? He must have a weakness.
Homer: Ah, beer. My one weakness. My Achilles' heel, if you will.
Bart: Beer! Beer is the cheese. But how to use it...
Homer: (drops his can) Whoo! It's a good thing that beer wasn't shaken up anymore, or I'd have looked quite the fool. An April Fool, as it were.
Lou: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Wiggum: Forget it, that's two blocks away!
Lou: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney!
Wiggum: I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8.
Lou: We need pretzels, repeat, pretzels.
TV: The following is a public service announcement. Excess of alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.
Homer: Mmm... beer.
Hibbert: You're a veterinarian?
Vet: That's right. And for an extra twenty dollars, I'll give Homer a tick bath and then spay him.
Bart: (pulls out money) Here you go, doc.
Bart: Shop around; You can't beat that price.
Homer: What if I wind up as some vegetable, watching TV on the couch? My important work will never be completed.
Lisa: Is a coma painful?
Grampa: Oh heck, no. You relive long lost summers, kiss girls from high school... it's like one of those TV shows where they show a bunch of clips from old episodes.