When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle. They’re on TV!— Homer
Birch Barlow: There are three things we are never going to get rid of in this town: one, the bats in the public library; two, Mrs. McFuly's compost heap; and three, our six-term mayor - the illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking spendocrat: Diamond Joe Quimby.
Quimby: Hey, I am no longer illiterate.
Bart: I'm only ten and I've already got two mortal enemies!
Birch Barlow: My friends, Bob is a political prisoner. I want every loyal listener to do everything they can to get him out of jail.
Moe: You heard the man. Here you go, one grenade each.
Barney: Moe, I think he meant through non-violent, grass roots political action.
Moe: Really, you think so? Okay, give 'em back... hey! Who pulled the pin on this one?
Commercial: Quimby. If you were running for mayor, he'd vote for you.
Bart: Hey four eyes, vote Quimby! Hey beardo, vote Quimby!
Lisa: This time he's the lesser of two evils.
Grampa: Not many people know this, but I own the first radio in Springfield. Not much on the air then, just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. 'A' he'd say. Then 'B'. 'C' would usually follow...
Homer: I don't agree with his Bart-killing policy; but, I do approve of his Selma-killing policy.
Kent Brockman: The results are in: for Sideshow Bob, one hundred percent; and for Joe Quimby, one percent. And we remind you there is a one percent margin of error.
Lisa: I can't believe a convicted felon would get so many votes, and another convicted felon would get so few.
Bart: You were just Barlow's lackie!
Lisa: You were Ronny to his Nancy!
Bart: Sonny to his Cher!
Lisa: Ringo to his rest of the Beatles!
Kent Brockman: Alright, let's go live to Bob headquarters now, for Mayor Terwilliger's victory speech.
Sideshow Bob: (Long evil laugh)
Kent Brockman: And just look how happy he is.