Looking at that tired old freak has made me realize I’m no spring chicken myself. I can feel death’s clammy hand on my shoulder... wait, that’s my hand.— Grampa
Janey: Well, that was a waste of time.
Lisa: Janey, school is never a waste of time.
Miss Hoover: Since we have fifteen minute until recess, please put down you’re pencils and stare at the front of the room.
Bart: Hey, I don't need you to get me in the back of a police car.
Marge: You know, your father wanted to be a policeman for a little while, but they said he was too heavy.
Homer: No, the Army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb.
Lisa: Well, I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs, and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided.
Bart: So, you guys like being cops?
Lou: Oh, it's great. You get to run red lights, park wherever you please, hot and cold running chicks...
Apu: Ooh, they used nylon rope this time. It feels so smooth against my skin. Almost sensuous!
Marge: Bart's grades are up a little this term. But Lisa's are way down.
Homer: Oh... We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?
Marge: We have three kids, Homer.
Homer: Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid!
Bart: Seymour, this is an absence slip signed by Nelson's mother. And this is Nelson's English homework. Notice the identical elongated loops on the d's.
Skinner: Forgery! So he didn't have leprosy...
Lisa: Bart, why did you take the blame?
Bart: Because I didn't want you to wreck your life. You got the brains and the talent to go as far as you want. And when you do, I'll be right there to borrow money.