When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle. They’re on TV!— Homer
Bart: Ahh, action news. The last place an impressionable kid can go for T.V. violence.
Homer: They're both losers. LOSERS!
Jimbo: Nice PJs Simpson. Did your mommy buy 'em for ya?
Bart: Of course she did. Who else would have?
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
Lisa: That's not fair. Why is Bart getting a present and I'm getting chewed out?
Homer: Ah, the mysteries of life.
Coach: Tell you what, Simpson. I won't fail you if you join one of those pee-wee teams outside the school.
Lisa: You mean those leagues where parents push their kids into vicious competition to compensate for their own failed dreams of glory?
Coach: Look, I don't need this. I inhaled my favorite whistle this morning.
Wiggum: Yes, we won! We won! We won! Um, unfortunately, since I bet on the other team, uh, we won't be going for pizza.
Homer: Lisa, if the bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girl sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.
Uter: Don't make me run, I'm full of chocolate!
Lisa: Hey Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way. Jimbo, Jimbo, go for the face! Look, Ralph Wiggum lost his shin-guard. Hack the bone! Hack the bone!
Bart: Lisa, certain differences - rivalries, if you will - have come up between us. At first I thought we could talk it over like civilized people. But instead I just ripped the head off Mr. Honeybunny!
Lisa: Bart, that was your cherished childhood toy.
Bart: Aah, Mr. Honeybunny!
Sherri/Terri: (skipping & chanting) At seven tonight the games begin; Bart versus Lisa, who will win?; Their father's fat and their mother's thin; And Grampa Simpson reeks of gin!
Grampa: Hey!! (sniffs himself) That's Obsession For Men!
Marge: I won't have any aggressive condiment passing in this house.
Marge: Homer, we can't root for one child over the other. How would you like it if the kids played favourites with us?
Bart: Hey mom, look at me mom!
Lisa: Hi mom, over here! Mom!
Homer: Heh heh. Hi kids!
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