He slept, he stole, he was rude to the customers. Still, there goes the best damned employee a convenience store ever had.— Apu
Homer: Oh Lisa, there's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the Hall of Records was mysteriously blown away!
Kent Brockman: The weather service has warned us to brace ourselves for the onslaught of Hurricane Barbara. And if you think naming a destructive storm after a woman is sexist, you obviously have never seen the gals grabbing for items at a clearance sale.
Marge: Hrm...that's true... but he shouldn't say it.
Apu: Stand behind the flaming garbage cans. We'll be letting you into the store, seventy people at a time.
Kirk: Oh, let's just beat him up and take his stuff!
Apu: No no no, do not listen to that man. Remain calm. You will all have a chance to be gouged.
Lisa: But I'm not fruit! I'm a kid!
Mrs. Glick: That's what the pumpkin said.
Ralph: Hi Lisa! We're going to be in a pie!
Maude: Neddy doesn't believe in insurance. He considers it a form of gambling.
Ned: Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept Kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the bible says, even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!
Apu: This is the room with electricity. But it has too much electricity. So, I don't know, you might want to wear a hat.
Ned: Uh-huh. Floor feels a little gritty here.
Moe: Yeah we ran out of floorboards there, so we painted the dirt. Pretty clever!
Marge: Ned! We meant well, and everyone here tried their best.
Ned: Well my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you, because you have good intentions!
Bart: Hey! Back off, man!
Ned: Ooh okay, dude! I wouldn't want you to have a cow, man! Here's a catch-phrase you better learn for your adult years: "Hey, Buddy, got a quarter?"
Bart: I am shocked and appalled.
Ned: And as for you, I don't know you but I'm sure you're a jerk!
Lenny: Hey, I've only been here a few minutes! What's going on?
Ned: You ugly, hate-filled man!
Moe: Hey, hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I... um, what was the third thing you said?
Ned: (quietly) Homer, you are the worst human being I have ever met.
Homer: Hey, I got off pretty easy.
Ned: (at the mental hospital) I just attacked all my friends and neighbors just for trying to help me. I'd like to commit myself.
Nurse: Very well. Shall I show you to your room, or would you prefer to be dragged off kicking and screaming?
Ned: Ooh, kicking and screaming, please.
Mona: You gotta help us, Doc. We've tried nothin' and we're all out of ideas.
Homer: I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other. Now that's psychiatry!