My story begins back in nineteen-dickity-two. We had to say ‘dickity’ cause the kaiser had stolen our word ‘twenty’. I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickity-six miles.— Grampa
Burns: Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating. Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! (evil laugh, then pause) There is a poisoned one, isn't there Smithers?
Smithers: No, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder.
Bart: Hey, where's Homer?
Marge: Your father's... resting.
Bart: Resting hung over, resting got fired... help me out here.
Homer: Marge, I'm never going to church again.
Marge: Homer, are you actually giving up your faith?
Homer: No! No no no no no no......... Well, yes.
Homer: What's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday? I mean, isn't God everywhere?
Bart: Amen, brother.
Homer: And don't you think that the Almighty has better things to worry about than where one little guy spends one measly hour of his week?
Bart: Tell it, daddy!
Homer: And what if we picked the wrong religion? Every week we're just making God madder and madder!
Homer: Hey Ganesha, want a peanut?
Apu: Please do not offer my God a peanut.
Homer: No offence Apu, but when they were handing out religions you must have been out taking a whizz.
Apu: Mr. Simpson, please pay for your purchases and get out and come again!
Homer: Aah! Fire! What do I do, what do I do? Oh, the song, the song! "When a fire starts to burn; There's a lesson you must learn; Something-something then you'll see; You'll avoid catastrophe!" D'oh!
Insurance guy: Any valuables in the house?
Homer: Well the Picasso, my collection of classic cars...
Insurance guy: Sorry, this policy only covers actual losses, not made up stuff.
Brockman: Fire: man's oldest foe. Insatiable, remorseless, unquenchable.
Wiggum: Hey, it's out! (everyone cheers)
Brockman: Coming up next, which work better: springy-closed pins, or the other kind?
God: Don't feel bad Homer. Nine out of ten religions fail in their first year.
Homer: What's the meaning of life?
God: Homer, I can't tell you that.
Homer: Come on!
God: You'll find out when you die.
Homer: I can't wait that long.
God: You can't wait six months?
Homer: No, tell me now!
God: Well... okay. The meaning of life is...
Homer: I'm whizzing with the door open, and I love it!