...And I gave that man directions, even though I didn’t know the way, ’cause that’s the kind of guy I am this week.— Homer
Homer: Here's good news! According to this eye-catching article, SAT scores are declining at a slower rate.
Lisa: Dad, I think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of pie graphs, factoids and Larry King.
Homer: Hey, this is the only paper in America that's not afraid to tell the truth: that everything is just fine!
Bart: They're official Krusty the Clown walkie-talkies! I'll keep one and you keep one. Now, whenever you want to talk to me, just call me on the phone and tell me to turn on my walkie-talkie.
Homer: Who'd have thought a nuclear reactor would be so complicated!
Martin: Milhouse, I'd like to express my appreciation for Saturday. Jelly bean basket, personalized noisemakers. But the little touches are what made it enduring!
Bart: What's he talking about?
Milhouse: Uh... Hey! Look at that dog! Isn't that something!
Bart: Wow, brown!
Mr. Burns: So, what did you do this weekend, Smithers?
Smithers: Well, I caught up on my laundry, wrote a letter to my mother, oh, here a kicker, and I took Hercules out to be clipped.
Mr. Burns: Who the devil is Hercules?
Smithers: Oh, he's my Yorkshire terrier, sir. He's kind of tiny, so you know, it's a joke. Here's a picture of Herky. (shows picture)
Mr. Burns: Ugh. Well, Smithers, don't you know how to paint the town red!
Apu: Otto, do you know there's a small child inside your bus?
Otto: (sees Bart in the back) Ooh, good thing you warned me. I was on my way to Mexico!
Homer: Okay, okay, don't panic, whosever problem this is, I'm sure they know how to handle it... (looks at his control panel) Aah! It's my problem! We're doomed!
Milhouse: Bart, my mom won't let me be your friend any more. That's why you couldn't come to the party.
Bart: What's she got against me?
Milhouse: She says you're a bad influence.
Bart: Bad influence, my ass!
Homer: Yeah, you know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Barney: I had to give a speech once. I was pretty nervous, so I used a little trick. I picture everyone in their underwear. The judge, the jury, my lawyer, everybody.
Homer: Did it work?
Barney: I'm a free man, ain't I?