Aw, Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re an old man now, and old people are useless.— Homer
Homer: You spoke while you were jinxed, so I get to punch you in the arm! Sorry, it's the law!
Moe: Business is slow. People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.
Man: This drink is delicious. And my phlegm feels looser. What do you call it?
Homer: It's called a Flaming--
Moe: Moe! That's right a Flaming Moe. My name is Moe and I invented it, that's why it's called a Flaming Moe.
Barney: Hey, what's this?
Moe: A sneeze guard.
Barney: (sneezes) Wow, it really works!
Bart: My father invented that drink, and if you'll allow me to demonstrate...
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, are those liquor bottles?
Bart: I brought enough for everybody!
Mrs. Krabappel: Take those to the teacher's lounge. You can have what's left at the end of the day.
Homer: How could you do this to me Moe? This bar was going under and it was my drink that saved it. If there was any justice, my face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise.
Moe: He may have come up with the recipe, but I came up with the idea of charging $6.95 for it.
Frink: Brace yourselves, gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is... love?! Who's been screwing with this thing?!
Barman: (pulls gun on Homer) Whadda you want?
Homer: A beer!
Barman: Okay then. (pours a beer in a filthy glass)
Homer: Can I have a clean glass?
Barman: (grudgingly cleans it) Here you go, your majesty!
Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can get some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.
Homer: Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! (slams the door, then put his head back round) Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well, duh!
Homer: Where's that waitress of yours?
Moe: Oh, she left to pursue a movie career. Frankly, I think she was better off here.