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The Simpsons quotes
If The Simpsons is famous for one thing, it's giving us an endless number of
hilarious throwaway lines. This page has many of my favourite quotes from the
show's history. Listen to a quote by clicking the icon.
I am currently in the process of re-recording many sounds to
make them better quality. As such, not all icons link to a sound.
Homer Simpson quotes
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Homer: A gun is not a weapon Marge, it's a tool. Like
a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or... or an alligator.
(The Cartridge Family) |
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Homer: I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's
just the way I am.
(Trash of the Titans) |
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Homer: Bart! With $10,000 we'd be millionaires! We
could buy all kinds of useful things... like love.
(Bart Gets An Elephant) |
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Marge: Are you really going to ignore Grampa for the
rest of your life?
Homer: Of course not Marge, just for the rest of his life.
(Grampa Vs. Sexual Inadequacy) |
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Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't
strike. You just go in there every day and do it really half-assed. That's
the American way.
(The PTA Disbands) |
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Homer: Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
(Marge Vs. The Monorail) |
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Homer: So, like us, let your children run wild and
free, because, as the old saying goes, let your children run wild and
free.
(Bart Vs. Australia) |
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Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out
of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!
(pause) Except the weasel.
(Boy Scoutz N the Hood) |
|
Homer: To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to -
all of life's problems!
(Homer Vs. the Eighteenth Amendment) |
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Homer: Default! The two sweetest words in the English
language!
(Deep Space Homer) |
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Homer: If you really want something in life you have
to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
(Kamp Krusty) |
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Homer: You don't know what it's like - I'm the one
out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order!
You're out of order! The whole freaking system is out of order! You want
the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you
reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo - that used to be your
best friend's face, you'll know what to do!! Forget it Marge, it's
Chinatown!!!
(Secrets of a Successful Marriage) |
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Homer: You know Moe, my mom once said something that
really stuck with me. She said 'Homer, you're a big disappointment.' And
God bless her soul, she was really onto something.
(There's No Disgrace Like Home) |
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Homer: Another day, another box of stolen pens.
(The Last Temptation of Homer) |
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Homer: He has all the money in the world, but there's
one thing he can't buy.
Marge: What's that?
Homer: (pause) A dinosaur.
(Dog of Death) |
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Homer: Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy.
People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead
tomorrow. Well, good night.
(Bart the Fink) |
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Lisa: That's not fair. How come Bart is getting a
present and I'm getting chewed out?
Homer: Ah, the mysteries of life.
(Lisa On Ice) |
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Homer: Back you robots! Nobody ruins my family
vacation but me! And maybe the boy!
(Itchy & Scratchy Land) |
|
Apu: I can recite pi to 40,000 places. The last digit
is 1.
Homer: Mmm... pi.
(Marge In Chains) |
| # |
Homer: Operator, get me the number for 911!
(Bart Vs. Thanksgiving) |
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Marge: Have you been drinking?
Homer: No! Well, ten beers.
(The Springfield Files) |
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Homer: Lisa, never, ever stop in the middle of
a hoedown!
(Homer the Vigilante) |
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Homer: And you didn't think I'd make any money. I
found a dollar while I was waiting for the bus.
Marge: While you were out 'earning' that dollar, you lost forty
dollars by not going to work. The plant called and said if you don't come
in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: Woohoo! A four day weekend!
(Lisa's Rival) |
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Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.
(Das Bus) |
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Homer: Oh, and how is "education" supposed
to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new it
pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home
wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how.
(Secrets of a Successful Marriage) |
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Homer: What the hell are we gonna do with ten
thousand angel ashtrays?
Bart: I could take up smoking.
Homer: You'd damn well better!
(Lisa the Skeptic) |
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Homer: (on the phone) Yeah Moe, that team sure
did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before,
but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
(Team Homer) |
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Homer: What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know
our kid is nuts.
(Bart the Genius) |
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Homer: Maggie, I'm trying to watch TV. Put that
mouldy old bear down. Mouldy? Old? I'm gonna get something to eat!
(Rosebud) |
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Homer: Look Marge, Maggie lost her baby legs!
(Treehouse of Horror IX) |
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Homer: And that's the end of that chapter!
(Homer to the Max) |
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Homer: Wow, I'll never drink another beer again.
Vendor: Beer here!
Homer: I'll take ten.
(A Star Is Burns) |
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Homer: Marge, anyone could miss Canada, all tucked
away down there.
(The PTA Disbands) |
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Homer: I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of
colors before he invented the light bulb.
(Bart the Genius) |
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Homer: Whadda ya think Marge? All I need is a title.
I was thinking something along the lines of 'No TV And No Beer Make
Homer... something something'.
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if I do! (goes crazy)
(Treehouse of Horror V) |
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Homer: Kids, there's three ways to do things: the
right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
Bart: Isn't that the wrong way?
Homer: Yeah, but faster!
(Homer to the Max) |
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Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware, it carries
a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free frogurt.
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings.
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
(Homer stares blankly)
Shopkeeper: That's bad.
(Treehouse of Horror III) |
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Homer: Me and my big... letter writing pen!
(Blood Feud) |
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Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with
bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
(Burns' Heir) |
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Bart: I wanna be emancipated.
Homer: Emancipated?! Don't you like being a dude?
(Barting Over) |
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Homer: When will I learn? The answers to life's
problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!
(There's No Disgrace Like Home) |
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Homer: Of course I'm not mad. If something's hard to
do, then it's not worth doing!
(The Otto Show) |
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Homer: Beer - now there's a temporary solution.
(Homer's Odyssey) |
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Homer: Well, of course everything looks bad if you
remember it.
(El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer) |
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Homer: It was a pornography store, I was buying
pornography.
(Mr. Plow) |
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Homer: See these? American donuts. Glazed, powdered,
and raspberry-filled. Now, how's that for freedom of choice?
(The Crepes of Wrath) |
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Homer: I can't live the buttoned down life like you.
I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy
middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride
and musky odor - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called 'City
Fathers' who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about
what's to be done with this Homer Simpson?
(Lisa's Rival) |
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Marge: Maybe it'll turn out he was innocent all
along.
Homer: Earth to Marge, Earth to Marge. I was there: the clown's
G-I-L-L-T-Y.
(Krusty Gets Busted) |
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Bart: We were just planning the father-son river
rafting trip.
Homer: Hehe. You don't have a son.
(Boy Scoutz N The Hood) |
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Mr. Burns: And a stunt like that impresses people?
Homer: Oh yeah. And I'm not easily impressed. Wow! A blue car!
(Monty Can't Buy Me Love) |
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Homer: If I could just say a few words... I'd be a
better public speaker!
(Much Apu About Nothing) |
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Homer: It was the most I ever threw up, and it
changed my life forever.
(Homer Goes To College) |
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Homer: I'll do the dishes when I pick it out of the
chore hat and it's not a practice. See, there it is. But that was just a
practice. The system works!
(Little Big Mom) |
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Homer: I have thought this through. First, I will
send Bart the money to fly home. Then I will murder him.
(Bart on the Road) |
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Homer: I have to go, my damn wiener kids are
listening.
(Team Homer) |
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Homer: I don't need your phony-baloney job. I'll take
your money... but I'm not gonna plow your driveway!
(Mr. Plow) |
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Homer: This has purple stuff inside - purple is a
fruit.
(Bart on the Road) |
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Capt. Tenille: You're like the son I never had.
Homer: And you're like the father I never visit.
(Simpson Tide) |
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Homer: You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.
(Bart Gets Famous) |
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Homer: Old people don't need companionship. They need
to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they
have that might be extracted for our personal use.
(Lady Bouvier's Lover) |
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Homer: It seems that the cat has been caught by the
very person who was trying to catch him.
Skinner: How ironic.
(Homer the Vigilante) |
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Homer: Give me some inner peace or I'll mop the floor
with ya!
(El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer) |
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Homer: You gave both dogs away?! You know how I feel
about giving!
(The Canine Mutiny) |
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Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
(Guess Who's Coming To Criticize Dinner?) |
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Homer: I see the light! It burns!!
(Faith Off) |
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Homer: Where is Bart anyway? His dinner's getting all
cold and eaten.
(Bart After Dark) |
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Homer: Pfft. English, who needs that? I'm never going
to England.
(The Way We Was) |
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Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie - one to lie and
one to listen.
(Colonel Homer) |
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Homer: Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's
for Daddy's, and kids with fake ID's.
(The Springfield Files) |
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Homer: Stop him! He's headed for the window!
(Bart's Girlfriend) |
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Homer: Your mother seems really upset. I better go
have a talk with her - during the commercial.
(Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious) |
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Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to
SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED
dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't
Slow Down'.
(The Springfield Files) |
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Homer: I'm not normally a religious man, but if
you're up there, save me, Superman!
() |
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Homer: Kids, kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned,
you're both potential murderers.
(Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two)) |
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Homer: Mmm...unprocessed fish sticks.
(Treehouse of Horror VI) |
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Homer: I don't want to look like a weirdo. I'll just
go with a muu-muu.
(King Size Homer) |
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Homer: I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler, I
wanna be a league bowler!
(Team Homer) |
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Homer: If a gun can protect something as important as
a bar, then it's good enough to protect my family.
(The Cartridge Family) |
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Homer: Hello? Can anybody hear me? I'm somewhere
where I don't know where I am!
(Treehouse of Horror VI) |
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Homer: But my life would be nothing without the
Nucleon Plant!
(Children of a Lesser Clod) |
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Homer: Bart, this is your father speaking...do you
know where the remote is?
(Grade School Confidential) |
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Homer: Trying is the first step towards failure.
(Realty Bites) |
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Homer: Uh, it's like... did anyone see the movie
Tron?
(Treehouse of Horror VI) |
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Homer: The bee bit my bottom, now my bottom's big!
(Homer Goes To College) |
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Homer: Look at those morons! I paid my taxes over a
year ago!
(The Trouble With Trillions) |
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Homer: Why don't those stupid idiots let me into
their crappy club for jerks?
(Homer the Great) |
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Homer: That's weird. It's like something out of that
twilighty show about that zone.
(Treehouse of Horror VI) |
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Homer: Fame was like a drug. But what was even more
like a drug were the drugs.
(Behind the Laughter) |
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Homer: Badger my ass, it's probably Milhouse.
(A Tale of Two Springfields) |
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Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events,
it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
(Bart Gets An Elephant) |
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Homer: And that horrible act of child abuse became
one of our most beloved running gags.
(Behind the Laughter) |
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Homer: Mmm... forbidden donut.
(Treehouse of Horror IV) |
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Homer: But Marge, I swear to you, I never thought
you'd find out!
(The Cartridge Family) |
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Homer: Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in
a very sticky, nutty, chewy, chocolaty... put it away boy! Situation.
(Grampa Vs. Sexual Inadequacy) |
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Homer: The satisfaction of helping another human
being is all the thanks I et cetera.
(Hungry Hungry Homer) |
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Homer: Maybe for once someone will call me 'sir'
without adding 'you're making a scene.
(Scenes From the Class Struggle In Springfield) |
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Homer: Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American
dream?
(Treehouse of Horror IV) |
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Homer: Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.
(Homer's Odyssey) |
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Lenny: Yeah, he got injured on the job and they sent
him home with pay. Pfft. It's like a lottery that rewards stupidity.
Homer: Stupidity, eh?
(King Size Homer) |
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Homer: Homer no function beer well without.
(The Joy of Sect) |
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Homer: I saw weird stuff in that place last night.
Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in.
(Homer the Great) |
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Homer: That's it! Being abusive to your family is one
thing, but I will not stand by and watch you feed a hungry dog! Go to your
room!
(Burns' Heir) |
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Homer: Ooh, floor pie.
(Boy Scoutz N The Hood) |
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Marge: I'm tired of being cooped up in this house all
day.
Homer: Open a window.
(Realty Bites) |
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Homer: I want to set the record straight - I thought
the cop was a prostitute.
(Behind the Laughter) |
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Homer: Kids, you tried your best, and you failed
miserably. The lesson is: never try.
(Burns' Heir) |
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Homer: Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.
(I Love Lisa) |
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Homer: Will you knock it off! I can't hear myself
think!
Brain: I want some peanuts.
(The Otto Show) |
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Homer: The only danger is if they send us to that
dreadful planet of the apes. Wait a minute... Statue of Liberty... that
was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to
Hell!
(Deep Space Homer) |
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Homer: They're dogs! And they're playing poker!
(Treehouse of Horror IV) |
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Homer: Maybe I shouldn't have eaten that packet of
gravy I found in the parking lot.
(The Last Temptation of Homer) |
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Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns, I believe you
have a letter for me.
Clerk: Okay Mr. Burns, what's your first name?
Homer: I don't know.
(Blood Feud) |
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Fireman: Homer, this is never easy to say... we're
gonna have to saw your arms off.
Homer: They'll grow back, right?
(Marge On The Lam) |
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Homer: I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean,
S-M-A-R-T!
(Homer Goes To College) |
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Homer: Pfft, 'what if'? What if I'm taking a shower
and I slip on a bar of soap? Oh my god, I'd be killed!!
(Marge Vs. The Monorail) |
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Marge: I don't want you stalking people.
Homer: Fine, have it your own way. Now I'll be back in a minute.
I'm... going outside... to stalk... Lenny and Carl... (pause) D'oh!
(Homer the Great) |
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Man: You must be stupider than you look!
Homer: Stupider like a fox!
(Lemon of Troy) |
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Homer: Oh my god! Space aliens! Don't eat me, I have
a wife and kids! Eat them!
(Treehouse of Horror VII) |
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Homer: Marge, you being a cop makes you the man!
Which makes me the woman... and I have no interest in that, besides
wearing the occasional underwear, which as we discussed is strictly a
comfort thing.
(The Springfield Connection) |
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Lisa: It is better to remain silent and thought fool,
than open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Homer: (thinking) What does that mean? Better say something or
they'll think you're stupid. (aloud) Takes one to know one. (thinking)
Swish!
(Lisa's First Word) |
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Marge: You have the right to remain silent.
Homer: I choose to wave that right. Aah!
(The Springfield Connection) |
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Homer: Don't be ridiculous, my wife worships the
ground I walk on.
(Some Enchanted Evening) |
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Homer: Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm
the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! (slams
the door, then put his head back round) Oh, by the way, I was being
sarcastic.
Marge: Well, duh!
(Flaming Moe's) |
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Bart: I want to follow in your footsteps.
Homer: Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids
can call you Hoju!
(Marge Vs. The Monorail) |
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Homer: You heard me, I won't be in for the rest of
the week... I told you, my baby beat me up... oh it is not the worst
excuse I ever thought up.
(Itchy & Scratchy & Marge) |
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Homer: It says its for dogs, but she cant read.
(Simpsons Roasting On An Open Fire) |
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Homer: Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned
anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain
what's-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you
to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody
laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects... (does
sounds effects) Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze!
(Marge Be Not Proud) |
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Skinner: You wouldn't be getting a French boy. You
would be getting an Albanian.
Homer: You mean all white with pink eyes?
(The Crepes of Wrath) |
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Burns: And this must be little... Brat
Bart: Bart.
Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat.
(There's No Disgrace Like Home) |
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Homer: And remember not to act afraid. Animals can
smell fear. And they don't like it.
(Call of the Simpsons) |
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Bart: How important is it to be popular?
Homer: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important
thing in the world.
(The Telltale Head) |
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Homer: Marge, I've figured out an alternative to
giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of traveling acrobats!
(Dog of Death) |
Bart Simpson
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Bart: Eat my shorts! |
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Homer: Why am I such a loser? Why!?
Bart: Your father was a loser, and his father, and his father. It's
genetic, man... D'oh!
(Homer Loves Flanders) |
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Bart: Oh please, there's only one fat guy that brings
us presents and his name ain't Santa.
(Simpsons Roasting On An Open Fire) |
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Homer: Bart, you don't have to follow in my
footsteps.
Bart: That's okay, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.
(Like Father Like Clown) |
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Bart: 'Wet Cement' - is there any sweeter sign? Maybe
'High Voltage'.
(Lemon of Troy) |
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Bart: You've got the brains to go as far as you want.
And when you do, I'll be right there to borrow money.
(Separate Vocations) |
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Bart: Well, I'm not calling you a liar, but... I
can't think of a way to finish that sentence.
(The Day the Violence Died) |
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Bart: Do you even have a job anymore?
(Alone Again, Natura-Diddly) |
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Bart: What a day, eh Milhouse? The sun is out, birds
are singing, bees are tring to have sex with them... as is my
understanding.
(Homer Vs. Patty & Selma) |
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Bart: From A - Apple to Z - Zebra, Baby's First
Pop-Up Book is 26 pages of alphabetic adventure!
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, you mean to tell me you read a book intended
for preschoolers?
Bart: Well, most of it.
(Treehouse of Horror III) |
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Bart: He's going to kill Rod and Todd too! That's
horrible! In principal.
(Bart of Darkness) |
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Bart: That lemon tree's a part of our town, and as
kids, the backbone of our economy. We'll get it back, or choke their
rivers with our dead!
(Lemon of Troy) |
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Bart: Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves,
so thanks for nothing.
(Two Cars In Every Garage And Three Eyes On Every Fish) |
The family
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Homer: I'm sorry Marge, but sometimes I think we're
the worst family in town.
Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.
(There's No Disgrace Like Home) |
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Marge: Homer, don't take this personally, but I've
obtained a court order to prevent you from planning this wedding.
(Lisa's Wedding) |
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Marge: Look at them! They've jumped on the one
franchise I might possibly have considered thinking about becoming
interested in.
(The Twisted World of Marge Simpson) |
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Lisa: Oh no! I'll be socially unpopular... more so.
(Last Exit To Springfield) |
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Grampa: Dear Mr. President, there are too many states
nowadays, please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.
(The Front) |
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Grampa: I am disgusted with the way old people are
depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs.
Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals, who remember the good old
days, when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.
(Bart the General) |
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Grampa: Mmm, I can't wait to eat that monkey.
(Girly Edition) |
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Grampa: The fortune doesn't matter, boy. The
important thing is you're safe. Now let's get that fortune!
(The Curse of the Flying Hellfish) |
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Grampa: Coma? Why I do in and out of comas all the-- (sleeps)
French toast, please.
(So It's Come To This: A Simpsons Clip Show) |
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Lisa: Grampa, Matlock's not real!
Grampa: Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob if
some cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin!
(Cape Feare) |
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Grampa: When I read your magazine, I don't see one
wrinkled face or single toothless grin. For shame! To the sickos at
'Modern Bride' magazine.
(The Front) |
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Grampa: Hey, the lamp's running away.
Bart: That's my dog, man.
Grampa: So long, lamp.
(Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One)) |
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Grampa: I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before
I recognize Missoura!
(Homer: Badman) |
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Grampa: Think of me when you're having the best sex
of your life!
(Grampa Vs. Sexual Inadequacy) |
The Wiggums
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Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
(Lisa On Ice) |
|
Ralph: When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine
University!
(Lisa the Vegetarian) |
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Ralph: My cat's breath smells like cat food.
(Lisa's Rival) |
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Ralph: Help! She's touching my special area!
(This Little Wiggy) |
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Ralph: Principle Skinner, I got carsick in your
office.
(Sweet Seymour Skinner's Badasssss Song) |
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Ralph: I bent my wookie!
(Lisa's Rival) |
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Ralph: Miss Hoover, my worm went in my mouth and then
I ate it. Can I have a new one?
Hoover: There aren't any more, Ralph. Just try to sleep while the
other children are learning.
Ralph: Oh boy, sleep! That's when I'm a viking!
(Lisa the Vegetarian) |
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Ralph: My parents won't let me use scissors.
(I Love Lisa) |
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Wiggum: No, you got the wrong number, this is 91...2.
(Dog of Death) |
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Wiggum: Yeah, everyone's heard of angels, but who's
ever heard of a Neanderthal?
(Lisa the Skeptic) |
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Wiggum: Being a cop is not something that happens
overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
(The Springfield Connection) |
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Wiggum: Can't anybody in this town take the law into
their own hands?
(The Secret War of Lisa Simpson) |
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Wiggum: Krusty the Clown, you are under arrest for
armed robbery. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say blah
blah blah blah blah blah.
(Krusty Gets Busted) |
|
Homer: You know, one day honest citizens are gonna
stand up to you crooked cops!
Wiggum: They are? Oh no... have they set a date?
(I Love Lisa) |
|
Frink: Here we have an ordinary square.
Wiggum: Whoa! Slow down egghead!
(Treehouse of Horror VI) |
|
Wiggum: I tell ya, they only come out a night, or in
this case, the daytime.
(Natural Born Kissers) |
Comic Book Guy
|
Comic Book Guy: Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was
without a doubt, the worst episode ever! Rest assured that I was on the
Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Bart: Hey, I know it wasn't great, but right do you have to
complain?
Comic Book Guy: As a loyal viewer I feel they owe me.
Bart: What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment
for free! What could they possible owe you? If anything you owe them!
Comic Book Guy: Worst episode ever.
(The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show) |
|
Comic Book Guy: Internet King - maybe he can provide
faster nudity.
(Das Bus) |
|
Comic Book Guy: Inspired by the most logical race in
the galaxy, The Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every seven
years. For many of you, this will mean much less breeding. For me, much
much more.
(They Saved Lisa's Brain) |
|
Comic Book Guy: No groaning in my store.
() |
|
Comic Book Guy: But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman
without gills. You're from two different worlds...
(Treehouse of Horror VIII) |
|
Comic Book Guy: Your emotion is out of place here,
son.
() |
|
Comic Book Guy: Oh pardon me Santos, if that is your
real name... Bart Simpson, but your phony credit card is of no use here.
Now make like my pants, and split.
(The Canine Mutiny) |
|
Bart: I wanna buy a copy of Bonestorm, here's 99
cents.
Comic Book Guy: Allow me to summarize the proposed transaction. You
wish to purchase Bonestorm for 99 cents. Net profit to me: negative 59
dollars. (sarcastically) Oh please take my 59 dollars, I don't want
it, it's yours. (Bart reaches into the cash drawer) Ah-ah! Since we
are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I will shut the cash register at this point,
and state that 99 cents in the rental price.
(Marge Be Not Proud) |
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon
|
Apu: Thank you, come again! |
|
Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed
robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.
(Krusty Gets Busted) |
|
Apu: Ooh, a head bag! Those are choc-full of... heady
goodness!
(Rosebud) |
|
Apu: Silly customer! you cannot hurt a Twinkie!
(Homer and Apu) |
|
Homer: No offense Apu, but when they were handing out
religions you must have been out taking a whiz!
Apu: Mr. Simpson, please pay for your purchases and get out, and come
again!
(Homer the Heretic) |
|
Apu: This passport is a cheap forgery - a cheap, two
thousand dollar forgery!
(Much Apu About Nothing) |
|
Apu: Ooh, they used nylon rope this time. It feels
smooth against my skin, almost sensuous.
(Separate Vocations) |
|
Skinner: Now I finally have time to do what I've
always wanted: write the great American novel. Mine is about a futuristic
amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced
cloning techniques. I call it "Billy and the Cloneasaurus."
Apu: Oh, you have got to be kidding sir. First you think of an idea
that has already been done. Then you give it a title that nobody could
possibly like. Didn't you think this through... (fade to later)
...it was on the bestseller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover
had... (later again) ...most popular movies of all time, sir! What
were you thinking?!! (pause) I mean, thank you, come again.
(Sweet Seymour Skinner's Badasssss Song) |
Krusty the Clown
|
Krusty: Eh... I could pull a better cartoon out of
my-- a hey! Whoa! Wasn't that great, kids?
(The Front) |
|
Krusty: It wasn't me, it was the Perkadan! If you ask
me, that stuff rots your brain. And now a word from our sponsor:
Perkadan?! Aw, crap!!
('Round Springfield) |
Mr. Burns
|
Burns: Keep stuffing your face. Little do you know
you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! (pause) There is a
poison donut, isn't there Smithers?
Smithers: Uh, no sir. We discussed this with your lawyers, they
consider it murder.
Burns: Damn their oily hides!
(Homer's Triple Bypass) |
|
Burns: Oh and one more thing: you must find the jade
monkey before the next full moon.
Smithers: Actually sir, we found the jade monkey, it was in your
glove compartment.
Burns: And the road maps and ice scrapers?
Smithers: They were in there too, sir.
Burns: Excellent. It's all falling into place.
(Homer Goes To College) |
|
Burns: Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the
freedom fighters, before the start of the raining season. And remember, a
shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya.
(Deep Space Homer) |
Miscellaneous
|
Selma: Is it me, or did it just get fatter in here?
(Homer Vs. Patty & Selma) |
|
Homer: So, what did everybody think?
Flanders: Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of
Impy & Chimpy I've ever seen.
Carl: Yeah, you should be real proud. You... you've got a beautiful
home here.
(The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show) |
|
Flanders: And Harry Potter, and all his wizard
friends... went straight to Hell for practicing witchcraft.
(Trilogy of Error) |
|
Flanders: Well get out the Crayolas and color me
tickled pink!
(Homer Loves Flanders) |
|
Moe: He may have come up with the recipe, but I came
up with the idea of charging $6.95 for it.
(Flaming Moe's) |
|
Moe: Wait a minute... you have a straight flush
Homer! You do this every time, you... oh, I'm choking on my own rage here!
(Secrets of a Successful Marriage) |
|
Moe: I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of
dirt... not that fancy store-bought dirt... that stuff's loaded with
nutrients, I... I can't compete with that stuff.
(Team Homer) |
|
Bart: Hey Moe, look over there!
Moe: What? What am I looking at? I'm gonna stop looking soon. Ooh,
is that it?
Homer: Hey Moe, can I look too?
Moe: Sure, but it'll cost ya.
Homer: My wallet's in the car!
Moe: He is so stupid. And now back to the wall!
(Krusty Gets Kancelled) |
|
Moe: Ah, business is slow. People today are healthier
and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next
door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.
(Flaming Moe's) |
|
Barney: If you get hungry in the middle of the night,
there's a open beer in the fridge.
(Homer's Night Out) |
|
Moe: Barney, don't steal any beer while I'm gone!
Barney: What kind of pathetic drunk do you take me for? (gasp)
Someone spilt beer in this ashtray!
(New Kid On the Block) |
|
Barney: My name is Barney and I'm an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting.
Barney: Is it, or is it that you ladies can't admit you have a
problem?
(A Star Is Burns) |
|
Barney: Wow, David Crosby, you're my hero!
Crosby: You like my music?
Barney: You're a musician?
(Homer's Barbershop Quartet) |
|
Kent Brockman: A new mood is in the air in
Springfield, a refreshing as a pre-moistened towelette. Folks are finally
accepting their feelings, and really communicating with no holding back,
and this reporter thinks it's about f***ing time.
(Bart's Inner Child) |
|
Kent Brockman: Well what do you say to the accusation
that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?
Homer: Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing
crimes.
Kent Brockman: (pause) Mmm, touché.
(Homer the Vigilante) |
|
Kent Brockman: We've come up with a camera so small,
it fits into this oversize novelty hat.
(Homer and Apu) |
|
Kent Brockman: ...which if true, means death for us
all.
(Homer's Enemy) |
|
Milhouse: If it's in a book, it's gotta be true!
(Grampa Vs. Sexual Inadequacy) |
|
Milhouse: I got some cool Alf Pogs. Remember Alf?
He's back... in Pog form.
(Bart Sells His Soul) |
|
Milhouse: It's like Speed 2, only with a bus instead
of a boat!
(Bye Bye Nerdy) |
|
Lenny: Ow, my eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in
it!
(Homer Vs. Dignity) |
|
Lenny: Alcohol and night swimming - it's a winning
combination!
(Treehouse of Horror XI) |
|
Skinner: Attention, this is an emergency broadcast.
All is well in the school.
(The PTA Disbands) |
|
Skinner: Forgery! So he didn't have leprosy...
(Separate Vocations) |
|
Willy: I cannot fit into a wee vent, you
croquet-playing mitt-muncher!
Skinner: Grease your self up and go in, you... you guff-speaking
work-slacker.
Willy: Ooh, good comeback.
(Sweet Seymour Skinner's Badasssss Song) |
|
Willy: You read my thoughts! You've got the
'shinning'!
Bart: You mean 'Shining'.
Willy: Shh! D'ya wanna get sued? Now look boy, if your dad goes
gaga, you just use that 'shin' of yours to call me and I'll come
a-running. But don't be reading my mind between four and five. That's
Willy's time!
(Treehouse of Horror V) |
|
Frink: Brace yourselves, gentlemen. According to the
gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is... love?! Who's been screwing
with this thing?!
(Flaming Moe's) |
|
Otto: My name is Otto, I love to get blotto!
(Duffless) |
|
Otto: (outside Stoner's Pot Palace) Man, that is
flagrant false advertising!
(A Milhouse Divided) |
|
Quimby: This is an issue that as a town we are strong
enough to ignore.
(Bart After Dark) |
|
Hutz: I've argued in front of every judge in this
state. Often as a lawyer.
(Burns Heir) |
|
Hutz: I watched Matlock in a bar last night, the
sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.
(Treehouse of Horror IV) |
|
Hutz: Oh no, we've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Hutz: Well, he's has it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his
dog.
Marge: You did?
Hutz: Well, replace the word 'kinda' with 'repeatedly' and the word
'dog' with 'son'.
(Marge In Chains) |
|
Captain McCallister: You call that an anchor?
(Marge Vs. The Monorail) |
|
Captain McCallister: 'Tis no man, 'tis a remorseless
eating machine.
(New Kid On the Block) |
|
Jimbo: You kissed a girl? That is so gay!
(Lisa's Date With Density) |
|
Voiceover: Quimby. If you were running for mayor he'd
vote for you.
(Sideshow Bob Roberts) |
|
Artie Ziff: You can't spell party without Artie... if
you misspell party... or Artie...
(Half-Decent Proposal) |
|
Hank Scorpio: Ever see a man say 'goodbye' to a shoe?
(You Only Move Twice) |
|
Australian: You call that a knife? THIS is a knife! (brings
out a spoon)
Bart: That's not a knife, that's a spoon.
Australian: Alright you win. I see you've played 'knifey-spoony'
before.
(Bart Vs. Australia) |
|
Horst: We regret to announce the following lay-offs,
which I will read in alphabetical order. Simpson, Homer. That is all.
(Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk) |
|
Announcer: The state lottery, where everybody wins! (quickly)
Actual odd of winning one in three hundred and eighty million.
(Dog of Death) |
|
|
